ITHACA, NY — CU Nooz was first on the scene as Cornell student Maria Davis, ’16, bustled into Olin Library appearing stressed and disheveled. Reports indicate that Davis has a great deal of work to do this week. The amount of work that the Sophomore is grappling with must surely be a uniquely enormous case,…
In a hostile takeover this past week, the Cornell chapter of sorority Sigma Kappa Tau ruthlessly overtook and installed their own dominion over the third floor of Mann Library. The monarchy, established with Lady Jenny Harquist ’14 as lord-protector of the realm, expects all students studying on 3 Mann to be vassals of the new…
LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings. “It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de…
GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…
ITHACA- Testifying that this was going to be a deciding moment in her life, junior Cheryl Eisen ’16 said today that it is now, never, or next year to turn things around and really get her grades up. “I understand that I’ve been slacking for the past two years, but not anymore. It’s either I…
LYNAH RINK—Big Red Men’s Ice Hockey’s 4–1 loss to Union College was a relief for Interim President Michael Kotlikoff, who has faced criticism for a recent statement regarding the University’s ongoing negotiations with Cornell Graduate Students United (CGSU). “The notion that Cornell engages in ‘Union busting’ is ridiculous,” Kotlikoff wrote in an email sent shortly…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
CASCADILLA HALL– Last week, Cornell University Police received word of two reported burglaries from residents of Cornell’s nicest dorm, Cascadilla Hall. Interestingly, both students found that most of their valuables were left untouched, the burglar stealing nothing but a Nintendo Switch console from each room. It’s an intriguing phenomenon since your average burglar would probably…
NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t have any leaves.” said Pewter,…
HO PLAZA—Amid the Trump administration’s broad assault on university funding and institutional freedom, one sneezy group of Cornell students seeks to highlight an often overlooked aspect of this fight. Allergic Cornellians Helping to Organize Outreach (ACHOO) claims that the current spike in environmental pollen allergens is a deliberate tactic of the Trump administration to obstruct…
