A few days ago, I got an email saying that COVID testing was about to get “more strict”. That there would be “severe consequences” for people who missed their tests. But hey, I accidentally slept through my 3 PM testing slot after 7 straight months of a nocturnal sleeping schedule, which I thought qualified as…
TOWNHOUSES—In a sudden rant to his disinterested suitemates this morning, sophomore Terrence Doe ‘23 tore into the 2020 US News & World Report’s “Best National Universities” ranking, which placed Cornell at 18th. “Look, there’s no way Columbia should be third. And how are we ranked below Brown? These schools definitely paid a ton of money…
ARTS QUAD—Well-rested and ready to tackle any threat to the safety of Cornell students, former Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner was witnessed wrestling with an anthropomorphic coronavirus in front of Goldwin Smith Hall. “It looks like Zoner was using a combination of Judo and Jiu Jitsu,” said bystander DeAndre Williams ’23. “She swept it from…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly….
Ok guys, here’s the dilemma: today, during my 3:05 Macro Econ class, I noticed Josh’s navy comforter wasn’t crumpled and strewn across his bed like usual. The day was going so well – I had found the good lighting and my best angle before joining the zoom call and pinning Josh like I do every…
IITHACA COMMONS—Wary of coming across as desperate on a first date, local single Jimena Perez ’21 was unsure if removing her mask would be too bold. “I feel like I have to walk on eggshells when meeting a guy for the first time,” sighed Perez. “To be honest, I’d be perfectly fine skipping all the…
OLIN LIBRARY— Despite the abject horror of his roommates, self-proclaimed COVID-Scout William Yates ‘23 bravely and daringly trekked from his apartment in collegetown into the wilds of Olin Library. “When we were laying down the ground rules for our behavior this semester, we agreed to only to leave the apartment for booze, CTB runs, and…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
Cornell has always been a trailblazer, and I must start by commending the university, which began admitting women in 1872, only seven years after its founding. Since its inception, Cornell has been at the forefront of the struggle for the equality of people who mensturate, and can finally say it provides free access to period…
SAN DIEGO—During their 9:05 lecture this Wednesday, classmates of Elle Sou ‘23 noticed their peer was looking suspiciously attractive and put together. “Like, it’s 6am her time, and she’s wearing a sweater, not even a sweatshirt, will a full face beat? For financial accounting? I mean, you go girl, and do whatever you want with…
