WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…
COLLEGETOWN, ITHACA — Following the elimination of in-person fraternity events due to the pandemic, local fraternity Kappa Alpha Beta will begin transitioning their fall semester hazing plan to online. “It’d be a real shame for the pledges to miss out all the brotherly bonding, like being waterboarded. You know what they say, friends who are…
COLLEGETOWN TERRACE—Since March of 2020, the Coronavirus pandemic has ravaged the social lives of me and my peers. Now that we are finally back on campus for the Fall 2020 semester, I want to put forward safety guidelines that I expect everyone in the Cornell community to follow. Namely, no gathering should be larger than…
TEAGLE HALL—Despite last spring and this fall’s season cancellations and a history of subpar performances from some varsity teams, Cornell Athletics finally received positive news from a number of their athletes last week. “I was disappointed to hear that we’d be facing the same fate as spring sports with our season being cancelled. Another year…
MILSTEIN HALL—Area architecture major Juliet Brimwire ‘21 has enthusiastically emerged from her annual 18-week-long spring studio stint, eager to reconnect with the world beyond her drafting table. “Every March, once I get into the thick of the semester, I’ll commit to turning off all of my electronics and not leaving Milstein Hall until I conclude…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
DAY HALL—Following a surprise press conference Thursday morning, university stakeholders are reportedly responding positively to President Martha Pollack’s announcement that PepsiCo has officially acquired Cornell University in a deal that has rebalanced the university’s finances amid a period of great economic uncertainty. University stakeholders have been weighing in from all sides with overwhelmingly favorable responses…
BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza. “We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and roasted peppers,” said a sweating…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—The College of Human Ecology is offering a new course in the Fall of 2020 for those who want to understand the psychology of parenthood, but can’t be bothered with the inconvenience of copulation. HD3800, The Art of Baby Snatching, is a welcome addition to the college’s courseroll. Human Development majors had…
CORNELL BOTANIC GARDENS—During what could be her last naked jaunt through the largely abandoned Ithaca campus, Cornell President Martha Pollack was heard ruminating to herself, “well, we all knew it couldn’t be like this forever.” Amid the rush of eager students returning to move out of off-campus housing, and a significant contingent of the Class of…
