MARY DONLON HALL—The transition to college is challenging for nearly everyone, especially as many freshmen find themselves sharing their living space with a stranger for the first time. Inevitably, these new roommates learn that becoming familiar with each other’s masturbation schedules as soon as possible helps to smooth out the adjustment to campus life.
After some trial and error, roommates Brad Horner ‘29 and Noah Johnson ‘29 have established a satisfactory masturbation routine. “One night I came home and it sounded like Noah was really struggling to lift something, so I burst into the room,” Horner muttered, staring off into the distance. “Now we knock.”
Equipped with a shared Google Calendar and a 10-pack of tissues, the roommates agree that they’ve now effectively streamlined the operation. But it took patience and accommodation to reach a mutual agreement.
Johnson, although unwilling to kick his daily habit, was happy to compromise. “I really don’t mind jacking off while you’re around,” he offered courteously. Horner politely declined after being warned to stay out of the “splash zone.”
As for the logistics when someone brings a girl over, the roommates have decided to just cross that bridge if they get to it.
