Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused.
From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none of the players had sex, like, not even once.
The hockey players I know are having sex, all the time, loudly. Yes, they ice skate, too, but let me be clear: I skip that part.
What I just can’t understand is why you would waste a perfectly good ice rink on hockey when there’s so much more to be done. Clearly, a 9.0 IMDb rating means nothing to Cornell’s starting roster.
Here’s a thought: how about we watch some actual hockey before showing up to a hockey game? How about we support real athleticism in Crave originals before calling ourselves sports fans? How about we, I don’t know, read the lesser-known books of the “Game Changers” series before hitting the ice?
The hockey players I know–very intimately, might I add–have workout routines profiled in Men’s Health. Not only do they care enough about winning to hit the gym consistently, but they also hired an intimacy coordinator to improve their physicality on and off the ice.
Listen, I sat through an hour of grown men hitting a ball back and forth, I pretended to know the words to our team chants, and I got up and cheered when appropriate–I even stayed to watch everyone “throw fish,” but when I read that as a sexual innuendo, everyone got offended. Is a suggestive sexual glance between captains too much to ask?
Next time Cornell and Harvard face off, let’s just skip the foreplay.
