WASHINGTON D.C—In a move experts are calling a “technically effective” continuation of the Make America Hesitant Again program, U.S. Health Secretary RFK Jr. has announced that all food will be reformulated to cause chronic gastrointestinal distress, effectively ending the U.S. obesity epidemic by making eating undesirable.
“Americans have long been told they are too heavy”, a departmental spokesperson said. “Now, structurally, they will not want to be.” The reduced population from food poisoning deaths has been cited by climate officials as an unfortunate first and only policy change to reduce the country’s climate impact.
Under the new program, each food will have its own effect. Apples will cause mild to moderate hives, dairy will trigger sudden and profound regret, and beef has been engineered to cause a medically documented loss of enthusiasm for life in general. Berries have been spared for now, with the department citing their already elevated risk levels.
The food can be spotted with their new FDA labels of “MAY CONTAIN NUTRIENTS AND/OR CONSEQUENCES”, which focus groups called “refreshingly honest” and “a label I’d actually read.”
Nutritionists praise the program’s simplicity, noting that a nation too sick to finish a meal will indeed reduce the amount of food consumed. At press time, officials were described exploring a companion initiative with drinking water.
