October 2, 2026

Splitsies! Group Assignment Done By Just You

Nooz Staff1 week ago1 week ago01 mins

BETHE HOUSE—On the laptop of sophomore Katie Maxwell ’29, a frantic scene emerged. Last Thursday, she had been assigned a random partner to work on a group assignment, but she had not yet heard from him, nary a word nor a sound. First contact with William Hopkins ’29 was reached at 8:34 PM, approximately three…

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CUPD Claims K-9 Ate Report

Nooz Staff1 week ago1 week ago02 mins

BARTON HALL—Accused of omitting key details from Jane Doe’s testimony in the report they provided to the Tompkins County District Attorney, the Cornell University Police Department told the press Friday morning that parts of the document had simply been consumed by one of the force’s K-9 units. On November 25, 2024, CUPD supplied the DA’s…

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“Yeah I Was in the Hood,” Says Rich White Biology Student Misleadingly Talking About Fume Hood

Inconsiderate Asshole With No Concept of Personal Space Sits Within 5 Seats of You in Lecture Hall

Inhabitants of Local Valley Starting to Regret Construction of Hole-in-the-wall Restaurant in Hydroelectric Dam

Tompkins County DA Relieved to Go Back to Dismissing Other Cases

Kotlikoff Also Wondering What Action Cornell Administration Will Take

Splitsies! Group Assignment Done By Just You

CUPD Claims K-9 Ate Report

Biology Major Stressed About Answers to Pre-Limbs

Only Minority in Friend Group Already Knows Who She Going to Be

Ambitious Group Project Member Needs To Take The Fucking Hint

Splitsies! Group Assignment Done By Just You

CUPD Claims K-9 Ate Report