URIS HALL—After years of silence, biology student Jada Stanley ‘27 has come forward with shocking allegations about her lab’s research.
“I just needed a few samples of the Epstein-Barr virus for a test I was running,” said Stanley. “When I put in my request, my bosses started acting strange. They wouldn’t give them to me. That’s when I got suspicious.”
According to Stanley, her lab’s Principal Investigator personally intervened to block the release of the phials, first claiming they were not yet ready for her use, and then denying their existence entirely.
“Are you still talking about Epstein-Barr? This research has been dead for years,” said Devin Thomas, the lab’s Principal Investigator, when pressed for comment. “Are people still talking about this? That is unbelievable. I can’t believe you’re asking a question on Epstein-Barr at a time like this, when we’re having some of the greatest success in our lab’s history. I’ll tell you what, this is a hoax from those creeps over in plant sciences. This is a hoax for them to get more funding and distract from our tremendous success. I’m done talking about Epstein-Barr.”
However, several anonymous sources maintain that the phials are not only real, but have the potential to damage several high-profile university officials.
At press time, a shadowy figure in the Hoy Parking Garage was prepared to divulge the whole truth after he finished dramatically smoking his cigarette.
