GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—At 10:17 AM in a philosophy discussion, all hell broke loose after Associate Professor Dantes Noferno suggested there was no afterlife, a statement which one student violently rejected.
Satan ‘666 BCE was seen thwacking the half-raised hands of his peers with a crimson pitchfork and a pointed tail waving angrily behind him as he defended his stance. “Professor, I’m not even trying to be a contrarian!” Satan whined, smoke rising from his ears. “There is an afterlife! There’s actually three realms, there’s this really awful book that talks about them.”
Satan, a previously passive voice who only communicated in annoying over-the-shoulder whispers, was surprised to learn that his Religion and Reason class largely consisted of atheists. Several students were initially dubious about his identity, speculating that his ramlike horns were surgically implanted and that his icebreaker of being from hell was code being from New Jersey.
Since his initial outburst, however, Satan appears to have transformed into an intimidating classroom presence. He began threatening to sentence his more disagreeable peers to eternal damnation, though, after many rebuked such notions of an afterlife, Satan declared he would simply burn them alive. When the question of a higher power’s existence was posed, he immediately answered, holding his barbed tail to the neck of a student who dared speak out of turn. “He exists,” Satan asserted confidently. “God, I hate that guy.”
He speculated that if he continued standing his ground, he could change his classmates’ minds with his devilish charm. “I think I just need to stop letting people piggyback off me and speak like they know my intentions,” Satan said, asking “Is it so evil that I want to be heard sincerely?”
