ITHACA CITY HALL — Clad in his signature pitch-black leotard and sporting a headband with his logo on it, Ithaca Mayor Svante “The People’s Champion” Myrick announced an ongoing campaign to viciously elbow-drop the problems facing Tompkins County residents. “Yeah, choke slamming the growing heroin epidemic was just the beginning,” declared the People’s Champion, pausing…
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…
PHILADELPHIA — A student at the University of Pennsylvania has reportedly been making bold claims that “UPenn studnets r superiur 2 cornell,” communicating his message through the online comments section of the school’s student newspaper, The Daily Pennsylvanian. “Ya most cornel kids go ther for hotel mangament and state schole,” said acclaimed critic of Cornell…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — Slope Day Programming Board announced yesterday over Facebook that Walk the Moon would perform only covers of songs by the late rapper 2Pac for this year’s Slope Day concert. “We sent out a survey last semester” said a spokesperson for SDPB, “and some number of students wanted another rapper, but some…
UPSON HALL – Despite the Cornell Unmanned Air Systems project team (CUAir)’s emphasis on fully autonomous flight, onlookers at Saturday’s test flight indicate that a pilot clearly sneaked into the nosecone of the student-built plane shortly preceding takeoff. Pausing slightly to adjust his aviation goggles and fiddle with the large joystick inside the 5-foot-long plane…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money from overseeing a well-endowed institution,…
DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…
