ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
RPCC PARKING LOT—Reports indicate that west-facing residents of High Rise 5 awoke to what was supposed to be a choir’s serenade at approximately 1:57am Wednesday night. Many students sleepily stumbled towards their windows to witness a local A Capella group set up microphones and a speaker to inform prospective members of their application status. Bystanders…
BARTELS HALL—Alexander Pope ‘28, a self-identified social climber, is turning heads at Lindseth Climbing Center with his friendly demeanor. “Climbing is better with buddies!” remarked the beaming sophomore transfer, dusting his chalky hands on a pair of well-worn sweatpants. “I’ve been climbing since the fourth grade, and the thing that always keeps me coming back…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
KLARMAN HALL—While his peers are preoccupied with looking for jobs, Simon Rice ‘26 is getting a head start on crafting the perfect Common App Resume. Although he’s now a senior in college, his role as president of the Model UN club is sure to wow any college admissions board. “If I keep working hard while…
NORTH CAMPUS—Last month, the latest round of consulting club hopefuls had their dreams crushed by curtly written rejection emails after weeks of coffee chats, interviews, and kissing ass. With the busy life of Cornell’s young financial consultants out of the picture, these rejects have been forced to enjoy their youth instead. Levi Gonzales ‘29, a…
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
WARREN HALL—Club recruitment season is in full swing, and the members of Optimus Prime Consulting are hard at work determining which recent high school graduates move on to the next stage of the 15-phase application process. Recruitment Chair Andrew Trask ’27 points to one application as an example of a particularly effective candidate. The essay…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
