NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
NEW YORK – Searching to get some experience working in the professional world, Ian Littlefield ’16 remains hopeful about getting an internship for the summer of 2015 despite it already being the middle of July. “A lot of employers look like they already have all the interns they need,” said Littlefield, meticulously revising his cover…
DAY HALL — As President Skorton cleans out his office to make way for Elizabeth Garrett’s arrival on July 1st, the illustrious faculty of his administration are being packed up and shipped out. Some administrators will go in storage, others will be sent to Skorton’s new office at the Smithsonian. While bundling up the various…
LANSING — Citing his unlimited free time, complete lack of responsibility, and lingering sense of childlike wonder, area middle school student Dennis Roberts is having a far more fulfilling and enjoyable summer than you. “Most days I wake up at around 11:30, have a big plate of waffles for breakfast, and then bike to meet…
ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
EARTH — Mother Earth, goddess and protector of our fair planet, is reportedly irate due to the fact that you didn’t to call her for Earth Day. This marks the third year in a row you forgot about the holiday celebrating the environment, and at this point it just seems like you don’t care at…
HO PLAZA — Fear and worry erupted on campus when the Cornell community witnessed the evil Green Southscale Dragon, Nídhöggr, lock the Princess in the tallest room in McGraw Tower. She is expected to remain there for the foreseeable future, until either the townspeople relinquish all their gold to the dragon or she is rescued…
104WEST! — Panic erupted at Cornell’s Jewish dining hall on Wednesday, when several patrons discovered that a non-Jew had gained access to the premises. The goyish intruder, Sean O’Flynn ’16, made it past the first few tiers of security and was almost about to eat his lunch before the alarms went off. “A breach like…
GANNETT — Today Gannett released the conclusions to a year-long, million dollar research project centered on reducing the amount of stress in students’ lives. “We recognize the stressful nature of students’ lives, and hope that these results will give students an idea of what a healthy lifestyle is,” reads the introduction to the 47-page report….
CENTRAL – In a recent press conference, Ithacan wind patterns announced a recently launched initiative to blow snow directly into your face. Having made clear the great effort required to accomplish such a feat, the wind told campus officials that it would stop at nothing to ensure that all students get to experience the sting…
