When I first heard the rumor that the US economy was being propped up by artificially inflated growth in the AI sector, I thought it was laughable. But the signs keep piling up, and if twenty years on Wall Street have taught me one thing, it’s that selling off before a crash is pointless on…
HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER—Low Rise 8 residents were completely unaware of the recent campus-wide power outage, due to no apparent change in their daily routine. Students in the oft-forgotten International Living Center have become accustomed to a dorm without lights, and many thought it was the norm for on-campus living.
McGRAW HALL- Sources state that, while lecturing in his Intro to American History class, hilarious professor Curt Thomas showed off his brilliant sense of humor by saying the ‘F’-word on multiple occasions. “The first time he said [The ‘F’-word], I thought I misheard him,” said a baffled Rebecca Andrews ‘15. “I looked around at all…
NORTH CAMPUS — The gigantic icicle just outside your dorm has been waiting there for the past few weeks. Gaining strength. Waiting just for you. For the perfect moment to strike. “You have to stop worrying about that icicle,” warns your roommate, but you can’t stop thinking about its ominous presence outside your window. Its…
NORTH CAMPUS — Ordering extra balls and stocking the fridges with extra beers, the Helen Newman Bowling Alley is busy preparing for the hundreds of dads visiting over this Parents’ Weekend. “Wax that floor! Clean the deep fryer! Polish those men’s size 11 shoes!” shouted bowling attendant Murphy Howard, making sure the facilities are in…
ITHACA COMMONS — Completion of the Ithaca Commons development has been delayed until early 2015 in order to give Mayor Svante Myrick enough time to find the toy truck that he lost there last weekend. They mayor was reportedly playing on the construction site with the toy truck, while making pretend that it was a…
DAY HALL—Amid fallout from the most recent release of documents which further confirm President Trump’s ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff faces a dilemma regarding the recent deal the university concluded with the federal government. As part of the agreement, Kotlikoff and a guest received round-trip airfare and a…
THE COMMONS — Campus nerds Colleen Eiderman ’19 and Emily Mehta ’19, who forgot their fake ID’s at their apartment, attempted to use a Jedi Mind trick on the unsuspecting Moonies bouncer. “These are not the ID’s you’re looking for,” said the inebriated Eiderman, as she waved her hand across the bouncer’s face and Mehta…
COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…
In a leak of confidential documents released by an unknown source, Cornell secret society Quill & Dagger has been found to be a musical theatre and dance troupe. The society, which has been at Cornell since its founding in 1893, is known for tapping influential members on campus like athletes, club presidents and Mezzo-Soprano singers….
