BARTON HALL – Audience members of yesterday’s Modest Mouse show say it was one of the best performances they had ever seen, as the band played their hit song “Float On” for the entire two hour concert. “I’m a massive fan of Modest Mouse. I’ve probably played ‘Float On’ about one-hundred times on my ipod”…
RISLEY HALL — Noting instances of public nudity and all-around clusterfucks, several students reported that there was some weird shit going down at Risley Hall. “I heard that Colin is putting on a production of who the fuck knows,” said Sabrina Petrone ‘19. “Maybe that’s why he was carrying a conjoined twin sex doll and…
…Sports? 1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon? 2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance 3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot? 4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples 5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack…
KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s advisee Gracie Smertel ‘18 remarked,…
HANS BETHE HOUSE– Every semester, students use the course oster site to help them select and map out their classes in preparation for pre-enrollment. This semester, however, many students were taken aback by the introduction of a new, true-to-life, artificial intelligence father figure who loudly groaned, sighed, and grumbled every time they attempted to add…
COLLEGETOWN—Despite his love of hiking and other outdoor activities, Ben Foreman ‘21 is finding it difficult to cherish the final weeks of a temperate Ithaca fall. Instead of frolicking outdoors with impunity, the senior Environment & Sustainability major has been plagued by the knowledge that his October sunbathing is only made possible by a dangerous…
OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you…
OLIN — During an important study period before the last week of classes, Charlie Hodges ’19 was rudely interrupted with a barrage of affectionate texts from his mother, sent randomly and without context on the second Sunday in May. “Dusting your bookshelves and found your old copy of Peter Rabbit!! Remember when you made me…
ITHACA, NY—Following New York’s legalization of recreational cannabis, a university president of a certain Ithaca-based college has taken it upon herself to provide guidance and clarity for students. Not long after the ink dried on Governor Cuomo’s signing pen, Ithaca College President Shirley M. Collado sent an all-faculty and student email letting them know that…
In the wake of a recent mishap, Introduction to Wines has been cancelled until further notice. This move follows an incident from last Wednesday’s lecture, in which a disgruntled and inebriated student urinated on Professor Grabenstein’s leg after learning that he failed an exam. The student, whose name has yet to be released, is currently being…
