In the wake of last year’s scandal, audience members were shocked to find Ke$ha defecating on the bleachers of Barton Hall last evening. In holding the concert on a Sunday night, the Cornell Concert Commission sought to reduce hospital transports and minimize the risk of a repeat incident of the bleacher-shitting that occurred during last…
GANNETT HEALTH CENTER – Following the news that multiple construction workers had sustained injuries on the site of the new health center, Cornell University Health Services announced today that they estimate the injured workers will be able to receive full treatment at Gannett by the summer of 2017. “I got a pretty bad scrape on…
WARREN HALL—After attending a seminar on “sticking around in the business world” at a networking event, Dyson freshman Cooper Waldingham promptly Super Glued himself to the nearest important-looking person he could find and broke into an ill-rehearsed and pun-laden elevator pitch. “I guess we’re stuck with each other now, huh?” said a winking Waldingham to…
BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…
CORNELL HEALTH–Maricel Caoili ‘26 experienced a breakthrough in therapy this Thursday when Dr. Elizabeth Fields decided to ignore Caoili’s experiences entirely and consult 2012’s third leading fanfiction and quiz website, Quotev. “I’d been trying to help Maricel for a while, but it’s so hard when I have no training related to trauma, the stress of…
COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…
LYNAH RINK—Confusion quickly broke out among Cornell Hockey Team players Saturday upon discovering they had misinterpreted Coach Mike Schafer’s directive to “play like a Cornell man” as a request to throw the Colgate game. According to Team Captain Caleb Johnson ‘24, Schafer’s statement appeared to indicate players should exhibit a subpar performance in accordance with…
NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs. The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger,…
ITHACA—All appeared well for medieval history major Elliot Peters ‘23 as he engaged in the initial small-talk over Tinder to his latest match, high on the satisfaction of their incredible conversation, the type of conversation that Peters found a rarity on the app. Or so he thought. Peters’ evening went downhill faster than a loose…
KENNEDY HALL—Maxwell Tang ‘27 is well-known amongst his PSYCH 1300 classmates–not for being well-versed in developmental psychology–but for consistently interrupting his professor to defend Sigmund Freud from any criticism. So when Tang’s parents arrived in Ithaca for Parents’ Weekend, his tendencies began to make sense. “Ohhhhh, that makes sense now,” said Tang’s classmate, Anabelle Wright…
