ITHACA- As the semester nears an end, it has become apparent that April showers have brought more May showers to Ithaca. It had originally been predicted that the rain of the past month might have been leading up to May flowers, however it seems as though Ithaca will be experiencing more rain for the rest…
DAY HALL—In response to mounting criticism, the Board of Trustees has announced to the Cornell community that their meeting to address the matter of insufficient university transparency will be closed to the public. “We would like to reiterate to the students, faculty, and staff who form the heart of this university that we are committed…
ITHACA, NY- Josh Erikson ‘14, who was deciding between applying to medical school or continuing his 7-year streak working as a counselor at Brentwoods sleepaway, ultimately decided the latter would be “much more chill.” After being selected group leader last summer, Josh reportedly felt like he had a really strong future with the camp. “I…
DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules. “I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while…
COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year. “She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so critical of me. I would…
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
