BARTELS HALL—Amidst an on campus housing crisis, the university administration has seemingly been living on a prayer that someone else will bail them out of their own gross miscalculation. Though the departments of Human Development, Engineering, and even Architecture have remained entirely unhelpful, Cornell Outdoor Education has managed to field enough tents to “house” the…
CALL AUDITORIUM—A mere five weeks after the commencement of Spring semester, the BioEE 1780 Preliminary Exam found itself being passed out to 229 students in Call Auditorium. It had only just dawned upon the Prelim that these bright-eyed faces were waiting to scratch their threateningly sharp pencils on its freshly printed pages, and it was…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan. “I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking…
Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun DUFFIELD HALL— Clearly knowing jack shit about its audience, the Solar Cross Society just advertised anti-semitism to a campus full of Jews. Way to start recruitment on the worst fucking foot! In a student body that’s 59.3% non-white and 21% Jewish, who do these idiotic dumbass half-wits think they…
CENTRAL CAMPUS — Chris Reynolds ‘18, a student in Beginning Mandarin I, has reportedly been attempting to greet every Asian student he passes by saying “Ni hao” as if it’s no big deal. “I don’t even know this kid,” said Charles Park, a senior in the Hotel school who walked by Reynolds on Ho Plaza…
Cornell University has positioned itself as a champion of sustainability amidst Ithaca’s expansive wilderness, adopting practices like charging students for reusable containers and slapping the color green on things. Chief among these practices is the proliferation of water bottle filling stations, many of which claim to have prevented water bottle usage up to amounts such…
Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…
COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement. “Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not. Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 32 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
