Now I’m not one to get up on a high horse and piously judge the actions or interests of others, but some things really bother me. When something is deliberately rude, I can’t help but notice it and take it a little personally. Take, for example, what happened last week during my film class. It’s…
CORNELL DAIRY BAR–Cornell alum Ann Coulter ‘84 returned to campus this week to enlighten the misguided student body about the sorts of ideas actually protected under freedom of expression. After explaining to her audience how immigration will kill us all or something like that, Coulter switched gears to sample the flavors of the Freedom of…
Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways! That’s right! It…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
DENVER, CO—Members of a local AEM 2420 group project gained an unexpected glimpse into the private life of teammate Ryan Homans ’23 after he accidentally messaged in the wrong GroupMe. “Heyy boyys, just grabbed the harnesses. The swing is still in Liam’s garage- it needs to be wiped down… badly :),” wrote Homans to the…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to his extensive experience in organizing social events as a member of a fraternity, Winston Jepson ’19 has been trusted to plan an America-themed family mixer this July 4th. “People wearing red, white, and blue enter no questions asked, but if you’re lame then at least bring alcohol for the pregame,” Jepson’s memo…
COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 8 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates. “I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24…
DONLON- As classes have started for students, reports indicate that all male freshmen are currently trying to figure out their masturbation schedules. “I know Peter has a lab every Monday night, so that might be a good time, though there may be other people on the floor at that time,” said Daniel Winters ’18 while…
