CU Nooz – Page 113

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…

Course Roster Unveils “Father’s Disapproval” Feature That Audibly Sighs When Sociology Course Added to Scheduler

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago04 mins

HANS BETHE HOUSE– Every semester, students use the course oster site to help them select and map out their classes in preparation for pre-enrollment. This semester, however, many students were taken aback by the introduction of a new, true-to-life, artificial intelligence father figure who loudly groaned, sighed, and grumbled every time they attempted to add…

Ann Coulter to Reminisce About the Good Ol’ Days When Only White People Booed Her Off Stage

Nooz Staff2 years ago1 year ago03 mins

DAY HALL—In an effort to restore Cornell University to its rightful status as a paragon of free speech, Provost Kotlikoff has invited Ann Coulter ‘84 to speak on her illustrious career in tweeting and speaking to disinterested crowds. To great surprise, the prestigious alumnus accepted, but not without demands. The terms and conditions, arriving in…

OP-ED: I Did Not Wait in This Line for Two Fucking Hours for Google to Run Out of Company-Branded Stress Toys

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago03 mins

BARTON HALL—People warned me not to get into Google’s line at career fair. They told me I’d be better off applying online, that no Google representative would remember the technical challenges I overcame in my CS 3110 final project after talking to hundreds of other students. I didn’t listen to them, because I was led…

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

KLARMAN HALL — Many have said we are witnessing the fall of Classics, that there is no reason to continue learning about Greek, Latin, or any other aspect of classical antiquity. However, it is clear that professors are still enforcing the most burdensome part of the ancient studies: deciphering Roman numerals. Sitting in my so-called…

Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT — In response to mounting calls for increased diversity on the Student Assembly, an open forum was hosted Wednesday to address the SA’s lack of bovine members from the Cornell Dairy. “I think it’s important that we have this discussion,” said At-Large Representative Jimmy Anderson ‘17, “The dairy cows are such an integral…

Open-Faced Meatball Sub Stuck to Wall of Lounge Really Bringing the Community Together

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

MEWS HALL – After Derek G., class of 2022, hurled his open-faced meatball sub against the Mews 3-East study lounge, “Now that everyone has something to talk about, things have become a lot more sociable!” reported residence hall director Jenna F. “Things were pretty desolate before the sub…I hadn’t made eye contact with my roommate…

Daily Sun Writers Reporting from Sochi Faced with Poor Hotel Conditions

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago01 mins

SOCHI- The Cornell Daily Sun’s Winter Olympics coverage team has confirmed that they are experiencing unsanitary and even dangerous living conditions at their Olympic Village accommodations. “The sheets are dirty, the furniture is falling apart, and the water is unfit to drink,” reported Shirley Haverford, senior sports correspondent for the Sun and head of a…

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Freshman Waiting on Mom to Cut Up Large Piece of Chicken

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and…

“A Very Cornell Christmas” to Premiere Tonight at 9:00 PM on ABC

Nooz Staff10 years ago02 mins

BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…

Prefrosh Chuckles When “Ho Plaza” is Said Aloud

Parents Pressure Skorton to “Get a Real Job” at Thanksgiving Dinner

Op-Ed: I Don’t Have Anxiety I Just Have the Bestest Heart that Beats the Fastest Forever

CUPD to Celebrate Holiday Spirit With Christmas-Themed Parking Tickets

Sub from Jansen’s Swaddled Like Newborn Child

Friend Insists 3 Inches of Snow is More Than Enough: ‘It’s All About the Girth’

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

Course Roster Unveils “Father’s Disapproval” Feature That Audibly Sighs When Sociology Course Added to Scheduler

Ann Coulter to Reminisce About the Good Ol’ Days When Only White People Booed Her Off Stage

OP-ED: I Did Not Wait in This Line for Two Fucking Hours for Google to Run Out of Company-Branded Stress Toys

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals

Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly

Open-Faced Meatball Sub Stuck to Wall of Lounge Really Bringing the Community Together

Daily Sun Writers Reporting from Sochi Faced with Poor Hotel Conditions

Freshman Waiting on Mom to Cut Up Large Piece of Chicken

“A Very Cornell Christmas” to Premiere Tonight at 9:00 PM on ABC