MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
CORNELL TECH CAMPUS—With a multi-thousand dollar gift from AOL, Cornell Tech will form a new “Dropped Connection Lab”, where faculty, students and researchers alike will collaborate to create technologies that “would have changed the way we live a ten years ago”. “The lab will not only conduct irrelevant research, but will also build poorly functioning…
ITHACA, NY — Witnesses report hearing Mac Davis, a Freshman who will eat nothing but cold hot dogs in two years’ time, complain about the quality of food at the Appel Dining Hall. “Everything’s just so boring,” Davis said, “They have the same dishes, like, every week. Blah.” Davis resigned himself to making a “totally…
WEST CAMPUS—No self-respecting student would ever dare to eat dinner alone, so all eyes were on Jaden Lewis ‘25 last night at Becker House as he appeared to finish his meal entirely by himself. Patrons stared at the pathetic nobody in a mixture of pity and disgust as he filled his plate and slowly meandered…
WARREN HALL—After attending a seminar on “sticking around in the business world” at a networking event, Dyson freshman Cooper Waldingham promptly Super Glued himself to the nearest important-looking person he could find and broke into an ill-rehearsed and pun-laden elevator pitch. “I guess we’re stuck with each other now, huh?” said a winking Waldingham to…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
EAST AVE — Following the hard work on projects such as MVR, Duffield, PSB, Gates, Klarman, Gannett, and now East Avenue construction, it has officially been eight years since campus construction worker Dale Greyson last saw his wife and two sons. “Every time I think the job is over, Cornell’s got something else for me,”…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…
ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
