With Retirement of RedRover Secure, Cornell IT Encourages Campus to Switch to EduFoam
ITHACA- Over the course of the summer, Cornell Information Technologies has sent out a series of emails explaining the retirement of the campus Wi-Fi network RedRover Secure and encouraging users to switch to EduFoam, a liquid-foam spray that provides connection to the internet when applied directly to a laptop, tablet, or mobile device. “We think…
“Bacon, Egg, and Cheese”: Cuomo Seen Practicing Under His Breath Minutes Before Interview
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
Hotelie Couple Fluffs Pillows, Dusts Headboard Before Having Sex
STATLER HOTEL—Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a Hotelie informing unsuspecting, regular people of their “major” completely unprompted. One pair of hotel students has taken this fact to a new level, rethinking the societal norm of oversharing. “We like to practice our craft in interesting ways; just last week I organized my…
Animals Rights Groups Protest Dragon Day Over Alleged Dragon Abuse
EAST AVE — PETA-affiliated student organizations called for a demonstration against the annual campus-wide Dragon Day parade, citing the mistreatment and exploitation of innocent dragons that violates basic animal rights laws. “The Archies keep this beautiful creature cooped up for months in the basement of Rand Hall, an enclosure that is far too small for…
Paranoid Tour Guide Convinced She’s Being Followed
HO PLAZA—Local tour guide Erin Roland ‘21 couldn’t help but feel like she was being followed Friday morning after noticing a large group of parents and high school students pursuing her during a walk through campus. “I really don’t wanna look, but I swear multiple families from Long Island have been on my tail since…
Professor Drops Class at Last Possible Minute
KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period. “I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already teaching 16 other credits, and…
Dumb Friend Finds New Way to Pronounce La Colombe
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
Little Big Littler Than Big Little
ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…
Cornell Dining Unveils Corned Beef and Cabbage Infused Water for St. Patrick’s Day
OKENSHIELDS—To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this Saturday, Cornell Dining has proudly revealed an exciting take on a traditional Irish staple. An attempt to bring “cultural fusion” to the table, corned beef and cabbage infused water is anticipated to tie together the rich flavors of a holiday meal. “At Cornell Dining, our two primary goals are…