CU Nooz – Page 123

Report: You Missed Your Mandatory COVID Test for the 61st Consecutive Week and Will Be Expelled from the University

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…

OP-ED: I Think Quiet Parties Can Still Be Fun

Nooz Staff10 years ago03 mins

Hey guys, you having a party here? Can I see some ID’s? Thank you. Everybody over 21 in here? Glad to hear it. We’ve been getting some noise complaints from this house, so I’m going to have to ask you to turn down the volume on the music. I’m not trying to be the bad…

Uncategorized

Professor Bans Graphing Calculators During Prelims, Says Nothing About Rotisserie Chicken

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken. “When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at…

“Where’s the Beach?” Asks Terribly Lost Ithaca Tourist

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago01 mins

ITHACA — A horrendously lost man was seen wandering the streets of downtown Ithaca asking locals how to get to the nearest beach. The man was reportedly on vacation in Ithaca with his wife and two children, adamant about swimming in the ocean. “Hey, can you show me where we can catch some waves?” asked…

Uncategorized

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…

Garrett Commissions New College of Business for Engineering Students to Transfer Into

Nooz Staff10 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…

Hate Crime Bigot in Wrong Place at Wrong Time, Century

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…

Senior Disappointed to Find He Has Done Only 9 Things on 161 List

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA- Max Harmon ’14 was both shocked and saddened Tuesday after learning that he had accomplished merely 9 things on the Cornell Daily Sun’s “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” “I could’ve sworn I’d done more,” pleaded the regretful human development major, lamenting never handing out quartercards on Ho Plaza (#85) or visiting the sex…

CIPAC, J Street, SJP Hold Gaza Protests on Empty Ho Plaza

Nooz Staff12 years ago01 mins

HO PLAZA- In response to the recent fighting in Israel’s Gaza Strip, students from campus organizations CIPAC (Cornell Israel Public Affairs Committee), J Street, and SJP (Student for Justice in Palestine) held organized rallies on an otherwise empty Ho Plaza Tuesday. “We think it’s really important that students be informed about what’s going on in…

Student Adds Personal Touch to Computer with CTB and Agava Stickers

Professor Wearing Watch As If Clocks Aren’t Everywhere

CUNooz’s Guide to Spring Break

Cornell Spring Breaks, Possibly Beyond Repair

Report: Assaulting Minorities Still Popular Weekend Activity Among Students

Students Cramming for Upcoming ‘House of Cards’ Prelim

Report: You Missed Your Mandatory COVID Test for the 61st Consecutive Week and Will Be Expelled from the University

OP-ED: I Think Quiet Parties Can Still Be Fun

Professor Bans Graphing Calculators During Prelims, Says Nothing About Rotisserie Chicken

“Where’s the Beach?” Asks Terribly Lost Ithaca Tourist

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

Garrett Commissions New College of Business for Engineering Students to Transfer Into

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Hate Crime Bigot in Wrong Place at Wrong Time, Century

Senior Disappointed to Find He Has Done Only 9 Things on 161 List

CIPAC, J Street, SJP Hold Gaza Protests on Empty Ho Plaza