PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert. “When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger…
DAY HALL — According to multiple reports, Cornell University will receive a gigantic Johnson endowment later this upcoming year. In a press conference earlier today, President Hunter Rawlings III stated he hopes this “generous gift will enhance Cornell’s performance for years to come” and wishes to see “what the endowment really has to offer the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In the wake of horrendous hate crimes committed against Asian-American women, Cornell University Administration has reiterated its commitment to improving as an anti-racist institution, as long as they don’t have to focus on fixing more than one thing at a time. “Last May, in the wake of widespread protests, we put out a…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world on my shoulders,” Atlas complained…
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time,…
BAKER LAB—Students in CHEM 2080 were witness to an almost superhuman feat of strength today when Shawn Rosen ‘23 stepped over a chair he did not want to sit in in order to reach the chair that he did want to sit in. Rosen, whose strength was already waning by the time he reached the…
LOS ANGELES, CA—With COVID-19 forcing Thanksgiving celebrations to be held virtually, Hannah Barnes ‘23 is frustrated that when the time came, she was moved to the kids’ breakout room for dinner. “I’m mature, I like adult conversations, and I live on my own now. What’s the point of keeping me with the cousins if they’re…
ITHACA, NY- Dragons around the Tompkins County area have been expressing their excitement for Cornell’s upcoming annual Architect Day. Architect Day, started in 1901 by dragons wishing to make their presence more known on Cornell’s campus, involves students from the Art, Dragonry, and Planning School parading around the streets with a massive constructed architect. “Architect…
EDDY STREET- A group of friends was pleasantly surprised early Tuesday evening when their roommate arrived home with a young woman whom he introduced as his girlfriend. Fred Michaels, ‘23, astonished his roommates when he brought home Kendall, his lab partner, whom he had recently begun dating. “It was a total shock,” said Kyle Jones,…
HEALTH SERVICES – To help students stay healthy, health professionals at Gannett Health Services have released recommendations for avoiding the flu, encouraging those on campus to avoid sneezing into each other’s mouths as often as possible. “We recommend washing your hands regularly,” said Gannett physician Dr. Martin Trombly, “as well as getting plenty of sleep,…
