BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
GOLDWIN SMITH – Stating that the dichotomy between good and evil was a theme in both John Milton’s oeuvre Paradise Lost and the championship football game between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons, comparative literature student William Perkins ‘18 hastily related his reading from the previous night to Super Bowl LI during discussion….
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
CAYUGA MEDICAL CENTER – Late last night, Cayuga Medical Center announced the tragic news that Cornell alumnus of the Class of ’40 and well-known philanthropist John Henry Highrise V passed away after a long battle with serious illness. Highrise V will be best remembered by his donations that made possible the construction of the North…
WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected. “Thank…
COLLEGETOWN – Saying that they did not want to seem intrusive, onlookers gave brief pause when a drunk Sarah Campbell stumbled and fell late last Saturday night. “She looks fine,” said junior Lawrence Farmer. “I think it would be inappropriate for me to see if she’s okay. Like, it’s already embarrassing enough for her. I’d…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Although English professor Marjorine Williamson is routinely celebrated for being the oldest and most published in her department, this bitch is still having trouble getting the chalkboard to work. “I mean she’s clearly brilliant,” said Lyle Glagadeen ‘19, “but this bitch can’t even hold chalk properly and she always uses the wrong side…
Serial class skipper and salty dog Isaiah Freeman ‘25 was shocked to discover this Friday that their punishment for using up all their absences in PE 1350: Introductory Sailing was an eternity in Davy Jones’s locker. “At first I thought this was some kind of joke, but then he started talking about how he ‘doesn’t…
