BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated…
STATLER HALL — Students in the School of Hotel Administration with a GPA lower than 2.0 will be moved into a less intensive motel management track, administrators announced Thursday. The new program, intended to train those interested in the hospitality industry who need a more low-key training system, is already receiving criticism from current hotel…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
WARREN HALL — After having recently gone through a tough breakup, AEM major and recent bachelor Kenneth Archer has stated that all he is looking for in life is someone special to network with. “I don’t deal well with being lonely, and not having a partner in life that I can share business connections with…
LIBE SLOPE—Thousands of students have voiced their disappointment at the current uncertainty surrounding Slope Day, taking to the internet and even their emails to rail against the administration. At first, university officials were dismissive, assuring students not to worry while remaining vague about the fate of the time-honored Cornell tradition. However, recently, a marked shift…
COLLEGETOWN – After leaving his internship at Microsoft and starting his fall semester, rising senior Ross Silversmith reportedly misses being paid to sit on his ass all day at work now that he’s back at school sitting on his ass and earning no money. “I miss my time as an intern on a stipend, when…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — The Cornell Office of Fraternity and Sorority Life recently revised the Campus Code of Conduct allowing for acts of hazing when it’s, like, a tradition, you know? “We want to be completely clear about our zero-tolerance policy for hazing in Cornell fraternities, sororities, and other student groups,” said Travis Apgar, Senior…
ITHACA, NY – At 11:53 AM, the Cornell Commencement Committee announced that this year’s convocation speaker will be the Grimm Reaper in order to remind seniors that the only remaining milestone in their lives is certain death. “We really want to drive home the fact that after college, current students will spend the rest of…
COLLEGETOWN — The Ithaca Mob has forced the closure of yet another one of Collegetown’s celebrated restaurants, Stella’s Cafe. “Mob bosses have been very active recently in trying to shut down anywhere fun or tasteful in the Ithaca area,” said Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner. “It’s just a shame that Stella’s was next on their…
