STATLER DRIVE — As the lunch rush peaked at the dumpster behind the Statler Hotel, dozens of local raccoons decided the long lines for wasted food from the Terrace Restaurant have become too long to put up with. “It’s ridiculous how many animals are trying to dig into the Terrace garbage,” commented Robbie Raccoon, who…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
NEW YORK – Searching to get some experience working in the professional world, Ian Littlefield ’16 remains hopeful about getting an internship for the summer of 2015 despite it already being the middle of July. “A lot of employers look like they already have all the interns they need,” said Littlefield, meticulously revising his cover…
PRINCETON, NJ—Upon returning home from campus, sexual deviant Jack Bergen ‘22 was unsure whether to be aroused or worried after experiencing shortness of breath, one of the primary symptoms of COVID-19. “I would normally love the asphyxiation,” said Bergen. “But with this whole Coronavirus shebang I’m not sure if my difficulty breathing is concerning enough…
The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning. Good morning, What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this…
HIGH RISE 5- Reports indicate that Simon Blackwell ’18, after completely unpacking his belongings into his dorm room and walking back with his parents out to the car, was given cryptic, nearly incomprehensible advice by his father. “Now look son, college is a new stepping stone in your life. You can step on it, give…
LYON HALL—On Monday, twisted little shit Taylor Gillis ’21 rounded off his pre-enroll session by signing up for a challenging class for the sole purpose of learning more about the subject matter. By enrolling in MATH 6220 Rimannian Geomentry, fucked-up degenerate Gillis hoped to delve into the complex mathematical material for no other reason than…
HIGH RISE 5—To accommodate a larger-than-expected first-year class that they definitely expected, Cornell Housing and Residential Life has recently converted student lounges in certain buildings to quintuples. This was an immense disappointment to Jackie Bruno ‘27, who was the only one of her identical siblings assigned to a different room. “Alexa, Amanda, Anna, Anika, and…
KENNEDY HALL—Maxwell Tang ‘27 is well-known amongst his PSYCH 1300 classmates–not for being well-versed in developmental psychology–but for consistently interrupting his professor to defend Sigmund Freud from any criticism. So when Tang’s parents arrived in Ithaca for Parents’ Weekend, his tendencies began to make sense. “Ohhhhh, that makes sense now,” said Tang’s classmate, Anabelle Wright…
NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one…
