RPCC PARKING LOT—Reports indicate that west-facing residents of High Rise 5 awoke to what was supposed to be a choir’s serenade at approximately 1:57am Wednesday night. Many students sleepily stumbled towards their windows to witness a local A Capella group set up microphones and a speaker to inform prospective members of their application status. Bystanders…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a beginning-of-the-semester email sent out to students this week, Arts & Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana strongly cautioned against affiliating with the college’s new reverse psychology major. “This major is only for mature, grown-up students that want to work hard, but you all little 13th and 14th graders couldn’t handle all those big-boy…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
This week, the harsh and unforgiving winter has settled upon Cornell’s campus. Every morning, students venture out and endure these frigid winds with only the distant, waning memory of warmer days (last week) to comfort them. There is only one sanctuary for these brave souls: the primal familiarity of the warmth of a running sink….
Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting…
BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives. “It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter “So…
DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on to explain that a potential…
NORTH CAMPUS – A Cornell social fraternity proved their commitment to campus safety by becoming the first and only fraternity to pass their fire and safety inspections this year. The brothers claim to have worked very hard to fix up their house, which normally injures dozens each week. “I’m not shocked we passed,” said brother…
ITHACA- Yesterday, rumors of the bigoted and homophobic underpinnings of the Cornell male community were made nauseatingly clear when multiple self-labeled “allies” publicly refused to make out with me in this dumpster right here. Cornell, a supposed “safe place” for homosexual, bisexual, and non-identifying youth and a beacon of tolerance and diversity, has faced a…
Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…
