HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…
WESTCHESTER, NY—In a confusing development, your Aunt Patricia apparently knows Cornell exclusively as the alma mater of Huey Lewis, the frontman of the bygone pop rock band Huey Lewis and the News. “I always used to think that some fancy-schmancy Cornell education was a waste of money, but then I learned that Huey Lewis went…
DOWNTOWN ITHACA—In a statement released earlier today, The Cornell Daily Sun has announced that their latest “Sex on Thursdays” article will be straight-up, uncensored porn. “We’ve always felt the need to give our ‘Sex on Thursdays’ writers as much creative freedom as possible, so it’s only fitting that one of them would upload a personal…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell sophomore Jason Conroy reportedly despises Ivy League rival Harvard University with a passion, however, would unquestionably transfer if granted admission to the prestigious institution. “Harvard? They can suck on my fucking nuts, because they fucking suck,” but later went on to explain that “If Harvard accepted me, I would leave Ithaca…
LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red…
IVES HALL – In an apparent attempt to make the course material more relatable, Economics professor Stephan Thomas explained the Principle of Opportunity Cost by reminding all students of everything they were giving up in order to be in class right now. “You see, whenever you choose something, you’re giving something else up,” began Thomas…
ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and…
ITHACA- As the semester nears an end, it has become apparent that April showers have brought more May showers to Ithaca. It had originally been predicted that the rain of the past month might have been leading up to May flowers, however it seems as though Ithaca will be experiencing more rain for the rest…
FEENEY WAY– For Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff, a new school year means a fresh start, this time with a new, tank-like flavor. After coming under fire for running over a student protester’s foot last spring, Kotlikoff has renounced his toe-hungry whip and found a more soothing replacement. Nothing, it seems, screams new beginnings like a…
