ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the…
EAST AVENUE — Worn-out after showing dozens of people around campus all day, tour guide Arthur Chase ’18 was exhausted, and just decided to make his last group of the day walk backwards instead. “Hey, everybody, my legs are killing me, so I’m just going to have you all turn around and we’ll start the…
RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can I come with you?” exclaimed…
DAY HALL—Your plans to do summer research on campus? Take it back now y’all. Due to the voters not sliding to the left, but to the right now, cuts to federal research funding and taxing on endowment payments have prompted a hiring pause at Cornell University. The directive also emphasized the need to criss cross…
DAY HALL—Interim President Michael Kotlikoff has announced the formation of a new tusk force to study the possibility of buying some super awesome elephants. According to a campus-wide email sent earlier today, the Presidential Tusk Force to Explore the Purchase of a Bunch of Really Cool Elephants was created to “examine critical questions concerning how…
STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session. A witness to the ghastly…
Saying this at a Dyson School-sponsored career fair isn’t how I wanted this to go down, but I have to just say it: I’m rejecting your post-graduation offer in order to be an entry-level associate at JP Morgan. It’s important for you to know that it’s not you or your organizational structure, it’s my carefully…
After lodging in the Stater Hotel during move-in, Dr. Justine Quality-Inn Ph.D. ’94, mother of Alex Quality-Inn ’24, informed her daughter that the hotel was “not bad for Upstate,” but was no match for the hotels Alex will one day inherit. “This is fine, I guess,” says Alex. “My mom told me I should expect…
BRADFIELD HALL—The Cornell Meteorology department announced this morning the development of a new, original comment about the weather, stemming from a 2-year long study. “Everyone knows the usual, inane comments about the weather we hear all the time. ‘Classic Ithaca, it’s raining again,’ and ‘Holy shit, it’s so cold,’” described Earth and Atmospheric Sciences professor…
AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad. “Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the…
