ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
WEST CAMPUS– In a move that will be celebrated by seven-year-olds everywhere, Cornell Dining has made an exciting new addition to the regular menu on West Campus- Chicken Fingers! Citing the mounting requests from students to diversify the menu, as well as complaints about the food being “too spicy” and “completely inedible”, the dining staff…
BAKER LAB—A review by Cornell chemistry faculty revealed that only 23% of the department’s stringent safety protocols would be in place were it not for noted buffoon Greg ‘07. “Without Greg, Cornell chemistry would look dramatically different—well, better—than it does now,” said lead author Professor Sasha Williamson. “He was a true trailblazer. By that, I…
CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday. “Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I close my eyes, all I…
BLOOMFIELD, NJ — As students flocked to their hometowns in anticipation of Thanksgiving break, freshman Noah Yearwood was met with the horrifying discovery that his father is once again rearranging his mother’s guts. “Ever since I got home, my dad has been walking into the kitchen whistling every morning. I don’t normally think anything of…
Citing your apparent interest in films with poorly written scripts and subpar performers, Cornell department issued a press release today calling your taste in pornography “simply atrocious.” “It is almost painful for us to look through [your] web history everyday and see that [you] just watch the first three films that pop up on Pornhub’s…
It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
OLIN LIBRARY—Despite the announcement that free printing on campus has been delayed until next fall, dumb piece of shit Andy Bardner ‘21 still has faith that Cornell will eventually provide free printing. “I’ve done a whole cost-benefit analysis, and it’s at least a few cents cheaper to wait for free printing than purchasing my own…
