PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert. “When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Elena Davis ‘26 has been turning heads all over campus with a recent addition to her laptop stickers collection: a bisexual pride flag. The holographic pink, purple, and blue stripes are pasted just above her Hozier sticker and to the left of a Cornell Outdoor Education decal. Davis believes this revelation came as a…
A message from the Cornell Concert Commission We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are. We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that…
TOWER ROAD—Now available for sluggishly pedalling uphill with six cars following behind, Cornell Big Red Bikes offers students a new opportunity to screw up traffic. “Cornell is huge, so it’s a relief to finally be able to bike across campus with no regard for drivers or pedestrians,” said campus bicyclist Troy Laputa as he weaved…
OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields. “We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative…
DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…
HOUSTON, TEXAS—In a press conference Thursday afternoon, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods responded to concerns about the timeline of his company’s sustainable energy reforms, assuring reporters that ExxonMobil “is on track to fully reduce or balance [their] carbon emissions by the end of human civilization at the very latest.” While climate scientists and policymakers generally agree…
ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
DAY HALL—Shortly after vetoing the University Assembly Codes and Judicial Committee’s recommended changes to the Student Code of Conduct, Martha Pollack explained her rationale, admitting she had no idea what a “bifurcated system of evidentiary standards” was. “I’m the President of Cornell, and that means I’m very smart. Therefore, if I don’t understand something it…
ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks. “Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented observer Chauncey Lemonwink ‘19. “After…
