SKYBRIDGE: Residents of Court, Kay, Bauer, and Mews Halls announced this morning plans for a charity carwash to raise money for residents of the High and Low Rise residence halls. “We are all Cornellians. To see members of our family suffering in the slums of North Campus is heartbreaking. Now it’s our time to show…
WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv. “I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even…
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
ITHACA- Over the course of the summer, Cornell Information Technologies has sent out a series of emails explaining the retirement of the campus Wi-Fi network RedRover Secure and encouraging users to switch to EduFoam, a liquid-foam spray that provides connection to the internet when applied directly to a laptop, tablet, or mobile device. “We think…
LARKSPUR, COLORADO — Recently admitted student Jacob Gerritsen was excited to graduate last Spring after using the 32 AP exams he took in high school, placing him out of every class in his Economics major. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping to actually take some classes, but I guess this is alright,” said the prospective…
ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum. “We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear…
GATES HALL—In a bizarre showing, one freshman barbarian insists on calling CS “Computer Science,” whatever that is. “I’m getting absolutely blasted in my introductory computer science classes” lamented Mitchell Fawkes ‘23 to his bewildered friends. “I just do not understand how Matrix Laboratory works, and none of the other computer science majors seem to want…
OLIN LIBRARY—It’s in with the new and out with the old at Olin Library during its new renovations! The flooring, walls, ceilings, and furniture of the building will get an upgrade, but the transformation will also replace the old and dirty Rare Books collection with newer, more modern literature. A dusty, vibe-killing original copy of…
URIS HALL–Opening her pencil case to reveal a panoply of colors, sophomore Rachel Lee explained to classmates Tuesday how her new 24 pack of 0.5mm diameter Japanese gel pens had greatly improved her studying efficiency. “I’m pre-med, so I’ve pretty much optimized my note-taking,” explained Lee, while pulling a copy of Campbell Biology out of…
ITHACA- Reports are surfacing that one book residing in Olin Library’s stacks is beginning to wonder if it will ever be checked out. “Spiel der Welten: Fiktionalität als narratives Paradigma in Mittelalter” (“Game of the Worlds: fictionality as a narrative paradigm in the Middle Ages”) has sat on its shelf on Olin’s 7th floor since…
