Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact that my just-turned-eighteen step-sis keeps…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
UPSON HALL—In a brazen display of ignorance and disrespect for different cultures, electrical engineering student Paula Roberson ‘24 wore overalls to class Thursday despite having no affiliation with the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. “To so clearly copy the customs of another college, while making no acknowledgement of the deep personal and spiritual meanings…
ITHACA — After the recent legalization of gay marriage by the Supreme Court on Friday, Cornell University founders Ezra Cornell and AD White were finally able to get engaged. “I was so incredibly happy when I heard the big news, but for Ezra to pop the question immediately was the icing on the cake!” exclaimed…
COLLEGETOWN- Sources are reporting that the Tompkins County SPCA rescued a stray girl sporting a sexy kitten costume this Friday night. “We found Mittens shivering in a sideways box labeled ‘FREE,’ taking shelter from the rain,” said Jim Bouderau, executive director of the Tompkins County SPCA, while refilling the girl’s saucer of milk. “She was…
LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Swim staff were left stunned Thursday after junior Steven Dodson completed five consecutive swim tests in a feat never before achieved nor attempted. Dubbing himself with the aquatic alias of Chlorine Steve, Dodson declared himself the victor of each test after being the first one to exit the pool due to his “superior…
ITHACA- Saying that it was a “bad mistake,” university founder Ezra Cornell admitted today to screwing up the college motto that has been used at Cornell University for the past 150 years. “It was just a slip of the tongue, really. ‘I would found an institution’? Who says that?” said an embarrassed Cornell, who had…
As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to evolve, Cornell has once again revised its health and safety guidelines for students. Feeling confused about when and where you should wear a mask? Fear not—CU Nooz is here to help! 1. Masks are not required for any student who has achieved Dean’s List in at least two semesters,…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell president David Skorton has announced a new policy change that is likely to affect life on campus. Professors will now be required to offer make-up exams during the first week of the finals period, available to all students, with or without a valid excuse. The move comes after many years of…
