HOUSTON, TX—This past Friday, one of the many relatives of the illustrious Ezra Cornell, George H.W. Bush, passed away at the age of 94. In a schoolwide email earlier today, President Martha Pollack stated: “With the recent passing of George H.W. Bush, one of our founder’s most politically active cousins, it is an excellent time…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
STATLER HALL—In an attempt to alleviate the stress of finals and let students go home early, Hotel School Professor Mark Devlin has kind-heartedly decided to make the final optional for all students who venture to his house and have sex with him. “I know having back-to-back-to-back finals can be overwhelming for students, and I want…
OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what it was like to be…
SCHWARTZ CENTER—Bidding a tearful goodbye to his mother and father, Harry Landry ‘17 shipped out for his final call in Upstate New York vineyards. “I knew what I was signing up for when I was recruited during rush week freshman year,” said Landry as he took one last look at his family. “It’s my duty…
HO PLAZA—A festive display of Christmas lights has lit up the streetlamps of Ho Plaza, with the goal of bringing cheer and holiday spirit to campus. Word spread quickly within the local insect community, and all airborne bugs within a one-mile radius migrated to central campus to bask and buzz in luminous ecstasy. “These lights…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
According to Brad Holder, the head of New Member Recruitment within the national office of Phi Sigma Sigma, Caroline Fisher ‘16 actually did receive the “best little ever,” like ever. CU Nooz spoke to Holder about the little in question, Sophie Goodman ‘17. “While most of the little facebook names are often slight exaggerations, the…
DONLON HALL—Many students look back on their freshman roommates fondly, with memories of smiles, shenanigans, and stressful study weeks where they realize they’d rather room with someone else. However, serial-smoker Max Monroe ‘28 found that his roommate’s vibe was grumpier than he expected. The pair had gotten along well online, but during move-in day, everything…
DAY HALL—Much to students’ chagrin, sources confirmed that Vice President for Student & Campus Life Ryan Lombardi had seen his own shadow, an event purported to foreshadow an additional three weeks of prelim season in Cornell folklore. “It’s disheartening, to say the least,” said Melanie Bush ‘24. “Some people say that looking to a university…
