THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for…
HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior. “We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
CHICAGO, IL—After being asked “How was your weekend?” as he entered the office, summer intern Connor Lee ‘18 concluded this morning upon gathering data from Monday and Tuesday that, holy shit, it’s Wednesday. “On Monday I just chilled at home, then on Tuesday I hung with my family at the lake, and then…holy shit, it’s…
The university’s now 3-week long spring break has been “extremely lit” so far, according to Nate Gomez ‘21, whose lengthiest social interaction all week has been with Rosie, the blue anthropomorphic cat from Animal Crossing: New Horizons. “I was kind of worried that with nothing to do and no one to hang out with that…
DICKSON HALL—A valiant shampoo bottle let out its final squirt today after a long, slippery battle against grime and grease. As the unsuspecting user applied the usual squeeze, the room filled with a weak, sputtering sound. What trickled out was not the rich, satisfying lather once cherished, but a thin, defeated dribble—a pathetic, watery remnant…
PHILLIPS HALL—Tensions skyrocketed this Tuesday after a third member of the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps forcibly added themselves to the CS1110 Discussion 213 roster. Though a peaceful resolution seemed to be near, the arrival of Cadet Benjamin Peterson ‘25 signals a drastic shift in the ongoing conflict. “There is absolutely no cause for concern at…
ITHACA- Instead of partaking in the usual brunch with estranged family and friends, Cornell students decided to take a different approach to celebrating Mother’s Day. As a vast majority of students are away from home and their mothers, they took it upon themselves to celebrate the special occasion as any good children would. And today,…
STATLER HOTEL—Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a Hotelie informing unsuspecting, regular people of their “major” completely unprompted. One pair of hotel students has taken this fact to a new level, rethinking the societal norm of oversharing. “We like to practice our craft in interesting ways; just last week I organized my…
SAN DIEGO—During their 9:05 lecture this Wednesday, classmates of Elle Sou ‘23 noticed their peer was looking suspiciously attractive and put together. “Like, it’s 6am her time, and she’s wearing a sweater, not even a sweatshirt, will a full face beat? For financial accounting? I mean, you go girl, and do whatever you want with…
