ITHACA, NY- Students enrolled in ECON 1110 were found to be very distraught today after the professor of the class decided to assign a fucking ridiculous homework assignment that’s due next week. According to Ryan Weems ’17, the assignment is “absolutely insane,” “unbelievable,” and “just like, bullshit.” “The professor knows that this class isn’t my…
Not to be outdone by the annual “Men of Vet School” calendar, the cows at Cornell’s School of Veterinary Sciences have put out their own sultry offering just in time for Valentines Day. Entitled simply, “ Bovine of Vet School” the calendar, in which twelve half naked heads of cattle bare all for the world to see,…
SOCHI- The Cornell Daily Sun’s Winter Olympics coverage team has confirmed that they are experiencing unsanitary and even dangerous living conditions at their Olympic Village accommodations. “The sheets are dirty, the furniture is falling apart, and the water is unfit to drink,” reported Shirley Haverford, senior sports correspondent for the Sun and head of a…
As students prepare for another stressful round of preliminary and midterm exams, Gannett Health Services has released a new initiative to boost mental health on campus. Some tips laid out include: 1. Just relax and breathe. We are all part of a finite blip within the cosmic nothingness of existence. 2.Enjoy the scenic campus of…
ITHACA, NY – Two Cornell business fraternities, Delta Sigma Pi and Alpha Kappa Psi, came together Tuesday to co-host their annual alumni money bath in Willard Straight Hall. “We all look forward to this event every year,” said DSP junior Greg Alexi. “It’s a great opportunity to chat with alumni, expand our professional network, and cover ourselves from head to…
In what has been called a “change of heart” University President David Skorton has decided to rename Gates hall to Satya Nadella hall in light of Nadella being recently named the new CEO of Microsoft. The reason for the sudden name change mere weeks after the building’s opening is, as President Skorton argues, because “the…
ITHACA, NY – Confusion and fear filled North Campus early this morning, when a fire started in Unit 1 of the all-girl’s dorm Balch Hall. Sources report that the cause of the fire, a mystery at first, is now being attributed to the ridiculous hotness of Balch babes. A creepy Ithaca fireman at the scene…
ITHACA, NY- Anticipating torrential rains, infestation of all crops via locusts, and crevices opening up to reveal the fiery pits of Hell, Cornell has announced that they have considered canceling classes for this Wednesday. As of now, students who have classes at times before 10 a.m. will fortunately avoid the rapture for a few more…
ITHACA, NY – With the impending snowstorm, the university has expressed excitement over all the potential student-built snow sculptures they hope to see tomorrow. Officials said, “Every year we always get the same few students trying to be funny and building a giant snow penis. We hope this year is different and students tap into…
Ithaca, NY – After finding that a puffy layer of snow had fallen while he was sleeping, Mayor Svante Myrick could hardly contain his excitement. ” Snow Day!” he shouted, immediately rushing down stairs to put on his lucky hat and his favorite pair of mittens. “I’m gonna build a snowman, and make snow angles….
