MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…
TOLEDO, OH—Following four years of pursuing various unemployable majors, jobless Philosophy major Geraldo Hernandez ’20 was thrilled to start living at home indefinitely over 2 months ahead of schedule. “He keeps saying ‘something will fall into place’ soon, but ‘just wants some time off,’” said Gloria Hernandez, sighing as her son woke up from his…
BARTON HALL—In the midst of representatives from much larger companies, Tony Brown, CEO and recruiter for a small software company based in Connecticut, reported that he was honestly just grateful for the opportunity to attend this semester’s career fair. “Sure, the bigger companies tend to get more attention, but I think our mission will really…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
BAILEY HALL – Approximately fifteen minutes into her 10:10 AM lecture for Intro to Marketing, Haley O’Quinn ‘19 had literally no idea what her professor was saying after she started texting during class. “Since I was in my first morning class and hadn’t had the chance to check my phone yet, I went through my…
KENNEDY HALL- Following an entire year of taking introductory classes for the eventual B.S. degree, Comm major Samantha Booker ’17 admitted that at this point in her collegiate career she still is unaware of what ‘Comm’ stands for. “Computers? Community? Combative training? I really don’t know, and these classes aren’t giving me any hints,” complained…
KENNEDY HALL — After failing to find any of his friends in the Trillium food court, Junior Biology Major Anthony Demsas announced plans to sit directly next to you today during lunch, despite the numerous available seats located at any other table. “Do you mind if I sit here, right next to you?” asked Demsas,…
HO PLAZA— After saying an emotional final goodbye to her graduating friend two days ago, Mindy Randall ’18 was reportedly caught off guard this morning when she locked eyes with the girl she thought she’d never see again on Ho Plaza. “I couldn’t decide whether to say hi, or goodbye again, or just squint and…
NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky…
NOOZ HQ- Sources are reporting that following the events of Slope Day on Thursday, several hungover CU Nooz reporters are struggling to write some fucking article about anything, literally just anything. “Ugh, fuck my head,” claimed one writer holding his head in his hands and periodically taking small sips from a water bottle. “I have…
