LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Students of Professor Gary Whitman have expressed growing concern for their physics instructor after his lectures took a dismal turn in the last couple of weeks. While the discovery of Whitman’s ongoing divorce saddened his pupils, few of them were surprised. “Yeah, he’s kind of been hinting at it,” admitted Shriya Pradhan ‘28. According…
Thanks to Fall Break, my girlfriend and I are finally gonna have that bombin’ four-day non-stop bang session we’ve been waiting for. Everyone else is getting a bus ticket to New York. Me and Jennifer? Well we’ve got a bus ticket on a one way, ninety six hour ride to bangtown, nonstop. Campus is empty,…
MADISON, WI—After emptying her closets and pulling out suitcases in preparation for move-in day, incoming freshman Becca Miller laid out outfits on her bed for every day of her first year at Cornell. “I know I’ll have so many other things on my mind, like moving into my dorm, figuring out where my classes are,…
A.D. WHITE HOUSE — As the final moments of the housing lottery came to a close, President Skorton acknowledged his ultimate failure at securing a room on campus for the upcoming academic year. “I had hoped to block with my friend Beth Garrett because she had the best time-slot,” Skorton sighed. “But she totally ditched…
FEENEY WAY—Amidst the latest influx of admitted students and their families, parents John Olin Jr. ‘66 and Helen Reincehart Olin ‘97 proved to be particularly pretentious. Though the buildings bearing their name make up less than one percent of the campus’ total construction, their attitudes seemed to indicate that they had bankrolled the entire university….
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Just 15 hours before the first lesson of the semester, one Arts and Sciences professor is giddy in anticipation of finding out the subject, content, and themes of the course he is about to start teaching. “It’s such an exciting time–students are coming back, finalizing their schedules, and some classes still don’t even…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
7-ELEVEN—’Twas a beautiful and romantic evening for Ithaca’s it-couple Albert Grant Wellington III ‘22 and Eleanor Theodora Johnson ‘22. While the commoners of Collegetown partook in fraternity soirees and other low class activities, these members of the Finger Lakes region’s high society spent their evening enjoying a fine dining experience like none other at 7-Eleven…
