ZOOM—Last Thursday, Hilda Bowers ‘23 zoomed into her online Math 3930 prelim only to be informed that new restrictions to prevent cheating required that she fit her hands, face, and big juicy butt into the frame of the camera. “I understand why they want to see my eye movements and what I’m writing on the…
JANSEN’S MARKET—With the tenderness of a loving mother to her newborn child, Geoffrey Wu ‘25 retrieved a small wool blanket from his bag at noon today and gently wrapped it around the Southwest Chipotle Chicken Ranch Sub he had just picked up from Jansen’s Market. “I was craving a sub, so I went to Jansen’s,”…
ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t…
STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…
ITHACA COMMONS — After several days of internal probing, the Cornell Daily Sun has conclusively determined that a pool of liquid water exists on their servers currently facing technical difficulties. “This is a truly exciting new discovery,” said Peyton Schwarz ’16 systems manager for the top-ranked collegiate news source in America. “We will now be…
WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early. “I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
KLARMAN HALL — Many have said we are witnessing the fall of Classics, that there is no reason to continue learning about Greek, Latin, or any other aspect of classical antiquity. However, it is clear that professors are still enforcing the most burdensome part of the ancient studies: deciphering Roman numerals. Sitting in my so-called…
DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester. “Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell community,” wrote Pollack. “His Darkness…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
