CU Nooz – Page 169

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…

Cornell Dining to decrease portion suggestion from “smidgen” to “morsel”

Nooz Staff3 years ago2 years ago03 mins

APPEL DINING ROOM– An internal University memo detailing controversial changes within the food troughs affectionately deemed “dining halls” surfaced this Monday. Most notably, Dining staff are now being recommended to serve “morsels” of food rather than the previously established “smidgens”. The announcement came as a shock to student dining workers who have recently mastered the…

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent…

Rich Friend Already on Fall Break

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago03 mins

BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season. “My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get…

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Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

Nooz Staff6 years ago01 mins

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. “We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not…

‘I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater’: Model UN Participant Garners Semblance of Self-Awareness

Nooz Staff2 years ago9 months ago02 mins

URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.” Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…

Martha Pollack, Giggling Uncontrollably, Orders Clock Tower Re-Reconstruction

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

ROBIN HILL—Students have enjoyed a Golden Age of mild, rather than crippling, inaccessibility on campus. Since the fall of the Kremlin’s Chain-Link Curtain, students have been free to travel between East Ho Plaza and West Ho Plaza. And yet, they remain ungrateful. Students continue to complain about permanently fenced-off walkways labeled “Temporarily Closed” and other…

Student has that Weird Dream Again

Nooz Staff13 years ago12 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY- Senior Mike Greensmith woke up at 3:00 am this morning in a cold sweat, confused and flustered by a recurring dream he has experienced over the past month.”It’s the same thing every time,” Greensmith ’14 told CU Nooz, “I’m walking around campus eating this tub of potato salad-I don’t know why- and then I…

Modest Mouse Receives Acclaim After Only ‘Float On’ Played Repeatedly

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

BARTON HALL – Audience members of yesterday’s Modest Mouse show say it was one of the best performances they had ever seen, as the band played their hit song “Float On” for the entire two hour concert. “I’m a massive fan of Modest Mouse. I’ve probably played ‘Float On’ about one-hundred times on my ipod”…

Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light

Nooz Staff9 months ago9 months ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—With ClubFest around the corner, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have already begun the frantic race to recruit the newest crop of bright, eager young minds. Veteran students know that this is a marathon, not a sprint; lengthy application processes reward only the most determined, tenacious, and desperate candidates. Alpha Zeta Delta Pre-Business Fraternity has…

Teary-Eyed Skorton Wistfully Packs Up Administrators

‘What Did I Miss?’ Asks Architecture Major Leaving Studio for First Time in 18 Weeks

Student In Charge of Planning America-Themed Family Mixer

Cornell Daily Sun Posts Summer Article in Desperate Plea for Attention

Student Desperate for Non-School-Related Excuse for Not Keeping Up On What’s Happening In Iraq

Campus Adds New Dimension to Accommodate Class of 2020

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Cornell Dining to decrease portion suggestion from “smidgen” to “morsel”

In Latest Heartfelt Email, Lombardi Begs Students to ‘Keep It in Their Pants’ During Zoom Classes

Rich Friend Already on Fall Break

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

‘I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater’: Model UN Participant Garners Semblance of Self-Awareness

Martha Pollack, Giggling Uncontrollably, Orders Clock Tower Re-Reconstruction

Student has that Weird Dream Again

Modest Mouse Receives Acclaim After Only ‘Float On’ Played Repeatedly

Fourth Info Session Paints Club in Totally New Light