KENNEDY HALL—Patrons of Trillium Dining Hall were left scrambling for headphones and ear plugs after an auditory assault by one diner who takes KFC’s mantra to heart. “It was like listening to a baby gargle its own spit up,” stated a shaken Maria Sanchez ‘24, who was sitting right across from the auricular assassin when…
STATLER AUDITORIUM— In an effort to streamline TEDxCornell’s 2023 event and increase ticket sales, organizers have unveiled the overarching theme of this year’s conference: telling presenters to stop talking. “About ten minutes into every TED talk, we all have the same thought: ‘is this ever going to end?’” explained event coordinator Alex Thompson ‘23. “At…
BARTELS HALL—The success of the redemption prom last Saturday has inspired Class Councils to host yet another beloved high school experience lost to the pandemic: the FitnessGram Pacer Test. “The Pacer,” a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues, will take place in Newman Arena at 6 AM the morning…
ITHACA, NY- An alert email has informed the Cornell community of a campuswide closure between 3am and 10am, in order to prevent students from travelling throughout campus during this time period. In a recent announcement, the administration justified their decision, stating, “Without this closing of campus, thousands of students might attempt to brave the elements…
COLLEGETOWN- Worried sick that her sweet son and his new friends wouldn’t be allowed into any Halloween ragers, Pam Byrnes drove to Cornell this morning, bringing with her the sluttiest costume she could find and a printed WikiHow article titled “How to Act at College Parties.” “I told Mom we don’t need her help,” Robby…
THE CORNELL STORE—After a few days of privately journaling, Meyer Cliffson ‘27 decided that his biweekly contributions to the Opinion column in the Cornell Daily Sun were no longer necessary to subside his moral insecurities. This unexpected choice was made following his first therapy consultation, in which the therapist immediately provided Cliffson with an extensive…
WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv. “I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even…
WEST CAMPUS — Sororities have prepared to welcome a new class of young women who, by the end of Rush Week, will transformed into mystical, glitter-breathing fairy creatures. “This is all going to be worth it, we shall be perfected by Bid Day,” gushed Quinn Pepperdine ’19, as the next step in the metamorphosis, her…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
LIBE CAFE– Over the past few weeks, the weather in the greater Ithaca area has been a viable conversation topic among otherwise socially awkward students. From multiple feet of snow to wind chills reaching negative thirty to recent swings into the 50’s, people across Cornell have been turning to the unpredictable climate as a way…
