My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The…
OFFICE OF ALUMNI AFFAIRS, COLLEGETOWN–After years of famous alumni and world-renowned figures in the arts, sciences, and government giving speeches at Cornell’s convocation ceremonies, the Cornell administration has finally retired the college tradition, citing a lack of any more notable alumni to speak. A transcript from the last planning session for the convocation ceremony before…
ITHACA- Testifying that this was going to be a deciding moment in her life, junior Cheryl Eisen ’16 said today that it is now, never, or next year to turn things around and really get her grades up. “I understand that I’ve been slacking for the past two years, but not anymore. It’s either I…
NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky…
URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was…
By Ryan Lombardi, Vice President of Student and Campus Life A new university initiative to block off access to Ezra’s Tunnel was announced Wednesday, and I am already bombarded with demands to make the pathway more accessible. All of you are under the impression that we just need to add some staircases to make the…
NORTH CAMPUS — After achieving successful enrollment in every single one of his ideal courses for Fall 2015, Tomas DiSalvo ‘18 realized with extreme anguish that he would not be allowed entry into the exclusive Pre-Enroll Pity Party. “Of course I was thrilled that all of the classes I wanted to take were open, but…
Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…
PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm. “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every year, Collegetown restaurants face an…
STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower…
