ARTS QUAD—Signifying the return of spring to the Ithaca area, the season’s first flock of white frisbee players has recently taken up roost on the Arts Quad. “I love watching the first signs of Ithaca spring—the flowers start to poke up out of the ground, the days get a little longer, and just this morning…
WEST CAMPUS— In an effort to reduce uncertainty over who is and is not allowed in their secret spaces, Cornell’s secret societies have engaged in a mass mailing campaign to inform the children of normies that they were not chosen to join their groups. “We have noticed an uptick in the confidence of the unfortunate…
WARREN HALL—Club recruitment season is in full swing, and the members of Optimus Prime Consulting are hard at work determining which recent high school graduates move on to the next stage of the 15-phase application process. Recruitment Chair Andrew Trask ’27 points to one application as an example of a particularly effective candidate. The essay…
COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A…
WICHITA, KANSAS—Nearly 40 years after graduating and moving far beyond Cayuga’s Waters, Alumnus Harold Cromwell ‘79 is still on the Ukulele Club Listserv. “I’m not even in the club,” said Cromwell. “I just got roped into signing up during Clubfest my freshman year. They had Skittles, which were like the new big thing. What even…
COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from…
JAMESON — In a massive stroke of luck, freshman Gavin Johnson met 23 new best friends at the first Fourth-Floor Jameson Hall meeting. “Every single one of the residents shares a large number of interests with me, like being a freshman, being new to Ithaca, and living in Jameson,” Johnson explained. “These are the key…
ADMISSIONS OFFICE—Freshman Krispin Wexler ‘25 was left in distress today after discovering that he was the sole undergraduate student from North Dakota. Despite strong grades and extracurriculars, Wexler could not shake the new feeling that he was only here as a representative for what many would consider the 50th state. “I asked every single person…
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates. “I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24…
Last Thursday, Biology Freshman Alyson Boyer took a photo of the arts quad from the Seventh Floor Stacks in Olin Library with her iPhone, then uploaded the picture to Instagram. The picture highlights the interweaving paths and overlooking architecture that makes the quad famous. Almost immediately, the photo began to garner hundreds and then thousands…
