Hey there! Bet you saw the words “greek life” in the title and thought, “lookie here, another think piece weighing in on the current active discourse,” but nope, I don’t have much to say about Greek Life at all. But now that I have your attention, could you take a quick look at this rash…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
BAILEY HALL—In keeping with the university’s requirement to continually construct buildings in the contemporary style, Cornell has announced plans to construct an enormous nipple towering above Bailey Hall’s 1,324 seats, reminding all who enter of a nipple. “When I was walking by Bailey Hall during my usual campus rounds the other day, I couldn’t help…
URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.” Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…
DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree. “Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills…
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Feeling lonely and forgotten after learning that former Vice President Joe Biden was chosen as this year’s convocation speaker, former Vice President Dick Cheney sighed quietly to himself, “I guess maybe next year.” “Every graduation cycle, I get my hopes up that Cornell will pick an old conservative like me for commencement. I’m sure…
In an effort to secure a job after graduation, Carl Collins ’14 indicated “object permanence” as a “Special Skill” on his professional resume. The ability to understand that objects exist even when not being directly observed is believed to be acquired in almost all humans before the age of two, but Collins…
Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep. Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall,…
October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week…
