WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
DAY HALL- The holiday season is in full swing for Cornellians, many of whom spent a portion of their Thanksgiving holiday in New York City, watching the Big Red hockey team trounce the UConn Huskies 6-0 at Madison Square Garden. The Frozen Apple, a longstanding tradition that unites Cornell students, their families, and generations of…
LYON HALL—On Monday, twisted little shit Taylor Gillis ’21 rounded off his pre-enroll session by signing up for a challenging class for the sole purpose of learning more about the subject matter. By enrolling in MATH 6220 Rimannian Geomentry, fucked-up degenerate Gillis hoped to delve into the complex mathematical material for no other reason than…
TENAFLY, NEW JERSEY—Visiting home for a seemingly uneventful Seder, Dan Waxman ‘25 found himself effectively slain in the minds of his entire extended family after his younger brother was accepted into the far more prestigious Yale University. “I feel like a ghost,” complained a saddened Waxman. “Last year I was ‘Mr. Ivy League,’ but now…
WASHINGTON D.C.—In an official statement from the White House this past Sunday, President Donald Trump completely denounced the consumption of pork, claiming he will “never eat a smidge of delicious, juicy, er–I mean DISGUSTING pork again.” This puzzling move has been viewed by many as a publicity stunt, specifically for the purpose of impressing NYC…
ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
COURT HALL — After having left his own clock tower back home, Samuel Reese ’19 breathed a sigh of relief today after discovering that the University was fully prepared to provide their own for him to use. Reese often used a personal clock tower throughout high school in Springfield, Illinois, but decided that his old…
We Would Be Together (Which Would Get Me A Lot Of Clout With My Friends Because They Respect Authority) And Imagine The Recognition Walking Around The Arts Quad And Some Gov Major Sees Us And Asks “Isn’t That Ryan Lombardi, Vice President Of Student and Campus Life Of Cornell University And Oversees Over 1,200 Staff…
GOLDWIN SMITH — As the semester begins, Cornell’s numerous a capella groups are starting their search for students who can do a very convincing air guitar. “We have some really good singers, but the fact is that we won’t get better as a group until we find that perfect guy who can mime an electric…
NORTH CAMPUS- Reports are indicating that after attending the 7 p.m. Tapestry session at the Schwartz Center’s Kiplinger Theater, freshmen roommates Jared Dirienzo, Ian Thomas, and Shawn Kilpatrick have become comfortable enough around one another to tell racist jokes. “When you first meet your roommates, things can be kind of weird. You have to get…
