WHITE PLAINS, N.Y.—Reporting that she “just couldn’t help herself,” local aunt Shelby Gallagher put marshmallows in her sweet potato casserole this Thanksgiving. Gallagher, known to her family as the “fun aunt,” retains this title through similar antics, like bringing pumpkin spice-flavored whipped cream to dinner last year. “It’s not every day you get the chance…
ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…
HIGHLAND ROAD—Happy Halloween! As is tradition, Cornell’s various fraternities have found themselves gearing up for a weekend of spooky costumes, ghoulishly cheap beer and raucous festivities. In their estimation, those frats that throw the most legendary Halloweekend parties will be rewarded with an influx of eager pledges. However, the forward-thinking young men at Phi Omega…
CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
STEWART AVENUE PARKING LOT- Cornell’s fourth annual heroin scavenger hunt was ruined last Monday after spoil sport police officers confiscated the heroin from festival organizer Roshane Henry before he and his team had the chance to hide the remaining 250 packets of heroin. “My ten year old loves the scavenger hunt. Last year she found…
1. For a fun time with friends, go apple picking at Cornell Orchards! 2. When you get to the Orchards, lose your friends in the trees. You won’t be needing them. 3. Find the man wearing a red coat. 4. Don’t ask him any questions. 5. The man will have an envelope. Take it from…
HO PLAZA—Cornell administrators announced Wednesday morning that the university will be renewing Cornell Health’s premium subscription to WebMD for next year. The online, publicly available health reference service has been the staff’s primary diagnostic tool for many years, according to university officials. “Well, we can’t exactly ask the licensed staff members to know every single…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
WEST CAMPUS— Just one hour before the class is set to begin for the year, the Canvas page for Advanced Economics of Trade remains unviewable on Canvas, sending anxious students into a spiral of paranoia and panic over potential first-class expectations. “Nothing at all? Not even a syllabus?” asked James Allen ‘24. “I have absolutely…
At a place like Cornell, it’s important to stay in touch with yourself and make sure you’re taking care of you; self-care can take many forms, each valid and each healthy. So if you find yourself alone at a table in the back of a Collegetown sushi restaurant, fists poised, making full eye contact a…
