LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed. “While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their…
STOCKING HALL—Despite having several prominent research groups and dozens of noteworthy undergraduates, the Cornell Food Science department continues to emphasize the almost 60 year old invention of the chicken nugget. “We stake our pride on Professor Robert C. Baker’s work so many years ago to develop one of America’s most prized forms of poultry consumption,”…
LOW RISE 7 – Following weeks of talking online and getting acquainted with one another, Taylor O’Connell ’19 expressed her excitement today as she prepared to see her new architect roommate in person for the last time. “I can’t wait for Chelsea [Kapp ‘19] to get here so that I can finally talk to her…
Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways! That’s right! It…
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis remains in critically awesome condition, according to Holy See officials. “On February 14, His Holiness was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for complications resulting from a gnarly wipeout,” said Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni. “We pray that he recovers as quickly as his nimble board grinds down the railings of St. Peter’s Basilica.”…
ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way. “People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re…
MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
LOCATION BLOCKED—Streaming from the depths of his secret mountain lair, Professor Lucas Mordock excitedly announced over a Zoom lecture on Friday that “the time had finally come to set his master plan into motion,” instructing his students to submit a digital copy of their minds within a week. The chilling vision of things to come,…
