IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit. “I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us…
ARTS QUAD–WAHOO! It’s 75 degrees and sunny in Ithaca which means it’s time to lather on that sunscreen, blast those summer tunes, and proceed to the library as normal. There are prelims tomorrow. “It’s gonna be so SICK dude!” exclaimed Thomas Roland ‘24. “First I’m going to walk to Olin as slowly as possible. I…
COLLEGETOWN—Mere days after Anime Club treasurer Carl Bergenson ‘23 submitted an appeal for a $5,000 hentai on Blu-Ray budget request following its rejection, Bergenson returned home to an anonymous hand-written note threatening to “Nevuh fuck with us again.” “Past treasurers had warned me about the fearsome SAFC and told me to watch out for…
STATLER HOTEL—School of Hotel Administration student Michael Lowett ‘18 took over this week’s Establishment dinner with an experimental and unorthodox meal solely comprised of small geometric patterns. Lowett described his menu as “a piece that captures the duality of life and religion,” but when customers showed up for the event, almost no food was served….
ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks. “Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented observer Chauncey Lemonwink ‘19. “After…
DUFFIELD HALL—In an effort to drum up enthusiasm for the academically rigorous engineering college and reduce student stress on campus, College of Engineering officials have developed an exciting new system: giving students five minutes of cool-ass laser playtime for ten bucks apiece. “As administrators, we are constantly asking ourselves how to make engineering cool with…
LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…
COLLEGETOWN—In an act of generosity that has been deemed “his literal one job” and “below the bare minimum,” one landlord has responded to a report of a broken dryer by installing a completely new broken dryer. “Look, there are two main functions of a dryer,” local landlord Jimmy Hilton ‘96 explained. “The first important function…
DAY HALL— As many know, the Cornell University Board of Trustees has been expecting to announce their newest president for about six months. This morning, at 11:55 AM on September 30, proud Board member Robert S. Harrison confirmed that the new president is a girl, weighing 127 lbs, 11oz. The announcement is premature, as the…
ITHACA — A horrendously lost man was seen wandering the streets of downtown Ithaca asking locals how to get to the nearest beach. The man was reportedly on vacation in Ithaca with his wife and two children, adamant about swimming in the ocean. “Hey, can you show me where we can catch some waves?” asked…
