BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…
NATICK, MASSACHUSETTS – Cornell students and administrators were excited to learn this weekend that the university had once again reclaimed its coveted title of “Biggest Red.” The highly anticipated ranking published annually by the Princeton Review seeks to highlight those colleges which truly encompass that which is big and red, and Cornellians across campus are…
SUDBURY, ONTARIO—When Miles Anderson’s estranged great-aunt died earlier this month, he didn’t think much of it. But a $100,000 check from her estate opened a world of possibilities for the young man. “When I got the letter, I was like, ‘Hell yeah, a hundred grand,’” Anderson said. “I thought about buying a cool car or…
TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts. “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said…
ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…
104WEST! — Panic erupted at Cornell’s Jewish dining hall on Wednesday, when several patrons discovered that a non-Jew had gained access to the premises. The goyish intruder, Sean O’Flynn ’16, made it past the first few tiers of security and was almost about to eat his lunch before the alarms went off. “A breach like…
DONLON HALL—Many students look back on their freshman roommates fondly, with memories of smiles, shenanigans, and stressful study weeks where they realize they’d rather room with someone else. However, serial-smoker Max Monroe ‘28 found that his roommate’s vibe was grumpier than he expected. The pair had gotten along well online, but during move-in day, everything…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Like lambs to slaughter, the latest victims of Cornell’s most indigestible dining hall were lining up for their daily source of slop. The lamenting calls of students who had used up the remainder of their BRBs early in the semester echoed in the air. A chill passed through Willard Straight Hall and students…
CORNELL TECH CAMPUS—With a multi-thousand dollar gift from AOL, Cornell Tech will form a new “Dropped Connection Lab”, where faculty, students and researchers alike will collaborate to create technologies that “would have changed the way we live a ten years ago”. “The lab will not only conduct irrelevant research, but will also build poorly functioning…
Hi Professor, quick question: considering yesterday was arguably one of the most nerve-wracking days of my young adult life and I stayed up until 3:00 A.M. watching friendships crumble over the future of our country, is this essay still due? I know this assignment that’s worth 15% of my final grade in this class has…
