ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
ARTS QUAD—At a rare on-site press conference, President Michael Kotlikoff updated the Cornell community about the ongoing search for Ezra Cornell’s lost fortune, thought to be buried beneath the Arts Quad. “As you may know, our crews have been working overtime to find this hidden treasure,” said Kotlikoff, standing on a mound of displaced earth…
I am a simple man, really. Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify…
DAY HALL — The Cornell administration recently announced that the newest editions of the Big Red Bucks will feature a woman on the card for the first time. “We pride ourselves in being a progressive university that always keeps up with the times,” said Anderson Blackwell, head of student life, in statement dictating a duty…
ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
STOCKING HALL— Earlier this week, Food Science Professor Rick Touche was lauded for finally nailing down the definition of the word “savory.” This breakthrough was met with relief from billions of food eaters across the globe who have long struggled to explain what they’re tasting. “His definition is ingenious: broad, but not too broad. Specific,…
ITHACA, NY — The student body is building its anticipation over the upcoming announcement of this year’s Slope Day location. “There’s always so much interesting speculation,” said junior Peter Yang, who expressed his disappointment over previous Slope Day locations for their muddy surfaces and uneven footing. “It’s so exciting! The last couple years it’s been…
High Rise 5– After just a few weeks at school, freshman Jay Cousins knows every single person in Cornell University’s Class of 2018 after stalking them all on Facebook. “I obviously started with the hot girls immediately after joining the Class of 2018 Facebook group, but then moved onto frequent posters and potential roommates. Before…
When Richard Pierce ’24 hopped on Tinder after returning home for Thanksgiving break, his visceral disdain upon seeing girls that went to the local State school revealed that he had, in fact, become a private university trust fund elitist piece of shit. “It’s just, I’ve had a different type of life than they’ve had, you…
Serial class skipper and salty dog Isaiah Freeman ‘25 was shocked to discover this Friday that their punishment for using up all their absences in PE 1350: Introductory Sailing was an eternity in Davy Jones’s locker. “At first I thought this was some kind of joke, but then he started talking about how he ‘doesn’t…
