With the month of December fast approaching, construction on Gates Hall, Cornell’s new computer science building, is coming to a close. Bill Gates, after whom the new building is named, has been working hard and tirelessly on the project since its inception early last year, and is glad to see it finally completed after all…
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…
WESTCHESTER, NY- Freshman Eric Davis reportedly felt absolutely no responsibility to act more like an adult after coming home this weekend for first time since this summer. Davis, now 19, demonstrated a complete lack of personal growth and maturity since high school by assuming his mom would do his laundry, complaining about the contents of…
CHEYENNE, WYOMING—During her unexpected isolation at home, Bernadette Shaw ’20 has taken advantage of her distance from her peers to self-examine and discover a new hobby of rampant, perverse drug abuse. “I think quarantine makes people feel really uncertain; I see it as an opportunity to reflect on my aspirations, but doing that sober is…
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After getting out of bed at 1:45 PM and briefly considering looking at his calendar, Ted Jackson ‘17 concluded it was already too late to be productive over winter break. “I’m really trying to make the most out of the holidays,” Jackson said while gnawing on frozen pizza from the comfort of…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
COLLEGETOWN — As the Winter Olympics kick into high gear, students across campus are eagerly playing it in the background while they do other things. “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for four years to debate our Domino’s order while Lindsey Vonn squiggles around on NBC Sports,” said Ross Flannigan ‘18. “Will we get cheesy bread?…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
GOLDWIN SMITH—After a vigorous year-long application process, Cornell’s prestigious Campus Procrastination Club (CPC) has selected their Executive Board for the Fall 2021 semester. “Look, it just got out of hand,” explained outgoing President Patrick Lenbrooke ‘22. “We initially planned for and announced a three-week application process that started in May of 2021. But then the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL —In an effort to form as many meaningful relationships with his peers as possible, Xavier Thomas ‘19, who is running for Student Assembly Executive Undergraduate Vice Representative At-Large, unzipped his trousers and took the middle urinal in an effort to maximize voter exposure. “Hey man, what are your thoughts on healthcare quality…
