TAMPA, FL—While most students headed home with heavy hearts upon learning of Cornell’s closure, Riley Clemens ‘21 was reportedly delighted at the prospect of finally having time to reignite her long-dormant passion: being absolutely god-awful at every hobby she attempts. “Hobbies are a great way to feel creative without any of the associated risks,” said…
LAKE PLACID, NY – Despite a rough three periods so far for the Cornell Men’s Hockey team in tonight’s ECAC Hockey Final against Harvard, some students have remained optimistic of a victorious outcome, as the Big Red are only down by three goals entering the fourth quarter. “Three points may seem like a lot, but…
BOULDER, COLORADO—In their preparations to perform at Slope Day, Big Gigantic members Dominic Lalli and Jeremy Salken have become freshly motivated by the possibility of their concert being commemorated in forty years by the Cornell Chimes. “Every time I’ve gone through my set over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the different ways…
HO PLAZA — Fear and worry erupted on campus when the Cornell community witnessed the evil Green Southscale Dragon, Nídhöggr, lock the Princess in the tallest room in McGraw Tower. She is expected to remain there for the foreseeable future, until either the townspeople relinquish all their gold to the dragon or she is rescued…
You’ve changed. You used to be cool, detached, stoic—cold, even—and that’s what I fell in love with when that first snowflake touched my tongue. But now you’re giving me a warmth that I’m not used to, and it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s not really…
DAY HALL – Cornell University was informed this morning that it will be placed under interim suspension for “credible evidence” of hazing fraternities, with actions such as “frequent suspensions” being reported. “We believe that Cornell has broken numerous rules in the way they are dealing with fraternities on campus, and when rules are broken there…
SAGE HALL—Students of the S.C. Johnson Graduate School of Management recently showed how business school has prepared them for Fortune 500 leadership positions by demonstrating a complete lack of compassion and putting Cornell at the brink of shutdown from COVID-19. “Originally, we were worried that this pandemic, and the emphasis on the heroic efforts of…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
JAMESON — In a massive stroke of luck, freshman Gavin Johnson met 23 new best friends at the first Fourth-Floor Jameson Hall meeting. “Every single one of the residents shares a large number of interests with me, like being a freshman, being new to Ithaca, and living in Jameson,” Johnson explained. “These are the key…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left aghast in their discussion section after their despicable professor asked them if anyone could summarize the reading no one read, which was assigned for today’s class. “It was terrifying,” shivered Marcus Vina ‘28. “He was pulling up his usual mind-numbing lecture slides, but then he turned to the…
