APPEL DINING HALL — Finishing up the best part of their balanced breakfast, hundreds of dining hall patrons this morning said their hearty bowls of Marshmallow Mateys were “marvelously scrumptious!” and that they were going goo-ga for Coco Roos. “Some people just don’t get why kids like the sweet flavor of Cinnamon Toasters,” said Arthur…
ITHACA, NY—Sunday’s meeting of the Cornell Terror Society proved lively and optimistic as members discussed this weekend’s promising events in Iran. “This was our most active meeting in months,” said CTS president Ethan Melander ‘26. “Everyone was really pumped to hear the news. We’ve seen how these sorts of interventions play out—the possibilities for future…
COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…
COLLEGETOWN — The Eddy Street Gate released a statement saying that it, too, has no idea how it got there. The gate, originally erected in 1896, was supposed to be an entrance to Cornell’s main campus, but by some unknown mechanism is sitting in the back alley behind Cascadilla Hall. “I don’t belong here,” said…
ITHACA, NY – With the Cornell-mandated fraternity initiation deadline fast approaching, university liaison Travis Apgar announced that associate members would now be entering the unofficial “Don’t You Fucking Tell Anyone” period of the pledging process. “It feels good to leave behind our antiquated system of spending 8 weeks openly combating hazing so that we can…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
Ithaca, NY – After finding that a puffy layer of snow had fallen while he was sleeping, Mayor Svante Myrick could hardly contain his excitement. ” Snow Day!” he shouted, immediately rushing down stairs to put on his lucky hat and his favorite pair of mittens. “I’m gonna build a snowman, and make snow angles….
COURT HALL — Stating earlier today that he “went to prep school,” freshman prep school kid Davison Williams has repeated that he went to a prep school. “I attended a private boy’s academy in Connecticut, along with His Excellency The Prince of Kuwait, or have I already mentioned that?” asked Williams, taking every opportunity in…
University officials announced Monday that undergraduate tuition will increase by $1,920 beginning next year. CU Nooz provides the breakdown of exactly where that money will go on a per student basis. $10: Tuition increase commemorative baseball caps $15: Bronze statue of Touchdown the Big Red Bear counting money $5: Upgrades to dorm laundry facilities so…
WILLIAMS STREET—Local party host Jeffery Norton ‘20 is reportedly regretting his decision to share a collaborative Spotify playlist with friends after one guest with a bizarre taste in music took full advantage of the invitation to contribute. While most playlist contributors added a few of their favorite hits from the top 40 or some 2000’s…
