DUFFIELD HALL – After swiping his ID card and anxiously staring the Mattin’s Café register, mechanical engineer Ben Hornstein ’19 was pleased to discover that he had scored slightly above a standard deviation of the mean BRB balance. “It’s such a relief to see all my work pay off,” commented Hornstein, excitedly clutching his Chipotle…
WILMINGTON, DE—Following a rallying end-of-semester speech from Salsa Club’s president, G-Body members were left staring at a Zoom dialogue box after meeting host VP Doug Bowens ’21 brazenly chose the “End Meeting for All” function. “This was my last club meeting as a Cornell student,” reminisced woeful President Devon Andes ’20, awkwardly closing the dialogue box…
GATES HALL—In a heartwarming acknowledgment of the incredibly stressful environment his students are living in, one kind-hearted computer science professor put soothing music on during a prelim that he predetermined would be curved to an average of a near-failing grade. “The last few weeks have been stressful for my students. I saw them Zooming in…
CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following the mass ostracization of last year’s Slope Day Programming Board, an entirely new set of victims, officially known as “members,” needed to be found. Fortunately, a group of students willing to impale themselves upon the unforgiving spear of dissatisfaction that is the student body have now been assembled. “I shall relish in…
ALICE COOK HOUSE— After realizing they were accustomed to different fast food chains, Alex Garza ‘21 and Jonathan Leftwich ‘21 engaged in a fifteen minute discussion on Tuesday about which fast food restaurants they eat at in their respective hometowns. At first, Garza, a Texas native, seemed shocked that the Massachusettsan Leftwich had never eaten…
MALOTT HALL—Last week, I briefly overheard Stacy and Emily talking about their floundering love lives between bites of food at Trill. Stacy lamented that Liam from her discussion section has a thing for her, even though Stacy is actually crushing on Rachel from that same section, who is also in love with Liam. Tragic! And…
ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus. “I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library…
JAMESON HALL – Upon arriving at Cornell this past week to begin his collegiate career, Vishwajit Patel ’19 discovered that he was unfortunately placed into a forced 3200-person room in Jameson Hall. “Man, I requested to be placed into a double, but now I’m stuck sharing my room with 3,199 other people. This blows,” said…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to facilitate the smooth operation of our institution. To that effect, my administration has worked tirelessly to ensure harmonious labor relations on campus. But goddamn, did we fuck this one up. While over six dozen hard-working grad students are content with the present arrangement,…
