CU Nooz – Page 2

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Nooz Staff8 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…

High School Valedictorian Incapable of Completing Basic Household Tasks

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the…

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

ITHACA—Two days of rest and relaxation were not enough for Joel Robinesson ‘23, who used his February break to embark on a thrilling and debaucherous methamphetamine-fueled bender. “I’m just feeling great. Really great. Super great. Totally great. You guys can see me right?” said Robinesson late Monday afternoon when he was spotted wandering around campus….

New Cornell Mental Health Service Just Two Suspicious-Looking Italian Guys With A Baseball Bat

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

HO PLAZA—Following multiple reports of substandard mental healthcare accessibility on campus, Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) were restructured to just be two malicious-looking Sicilian men with baseball bats “We’re just here to help, capisce?” claimed new CAPS counselor Antonio Gambino. “If you’re feeling down in the dumps, just come on up the river and I’ll…

Forty-Two Uncomfortable Freshman Receive “The Talk” From Concerned RA

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

HIGH RISE 5—Squirming in their seats as they sat cross-legged on the couch, forty-two uncomfortable freshmen received the “birds and the bees” talk from concerned Resident Advisor Carlie Solotoff on Monday afternoon. “You might notice some changes going on with your body, but just know that it’s totally normal,” Solotoff reassured the circle of uneasy…

Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

A message from the Cornell Concert Commission We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are. We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that…

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago02 mins

As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…

Entire Nation Way Too High and Paranoid to Leave House Right Now

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

USA—Reports and online activity from across the country indicate that citizens are far too fucking zoinked to go outside at the moment. “It’s just that the outside world is super scary right now,” said Brent Rant ‘22, who is currently fried inside his Bend, Oregon home. “For example, my neighbor could notice how totally stoned…

Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—Scrambling to beat the lunch rush at Temple of Zeus, Jackson France ’23 was elated to find the thirty tables he wanted all free. “I’m always extra vigilant on Mac and Cheese Day because I know how cutthroat it can get,” explained France. “I didn’t expect to get more than 22 or 23…

OP-ED: You And I Both Know Our Construction Team Can’t Handle Building A Pathway In Ezra’s Tunnel

Report: 10:10 Lecture Fills Up Too Quickly and Oh Boo Hoo You Sad Fucks

With Retirement of RedRover Secure, Cornell IT Encourages Campus to Switch to EduFoam

BREAKING: Mob Takes Down Another Collegetown Restaurant

Report: Holy Shit, It’s Wednesday

Student at Summer Internship Drops Fourth Hint of Day That He Goes to Cornell

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

High School Valedictorian Incapable of Completing Basic Household Tasks

Heartwarming: A Capella Group Performs Charity Concert for Those Unlucky Enough to Share a Wall With Them

Two Day February “Break” No Match For 72 Hour Drug-Induced Bender

New Cornell Mental Health Service Just Two Suspicious-Looking Italian Guys With A Baseball Bat

Forty-Two Uncomfortable Freshman Receive “The Talk” From Concerned RA

Concert Commission: “This Jerkface Artist Canceled the Homecoming Concert We Definitely Planned”

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Entire Nation Way Too High and Paranoid to Leave House Right Now

Lucky Student Manages to Snag Thirty Free Tables in Temple of Zeus During Lunch Rush