CU Nooz – Page 28

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…

“Uppies?” Lightweight Wrestling Team Member Desires to Dunk a Basketball

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

HELEN NEWMAN BASKETBALL COURT–Johnathan Cool ‘24 has been an NCAA champion wrestler for 2 years and counting, and was set to make another run at the title this upcoming year, where he was sure to make a splash in the tournament. His coaches and admirers had been expecting his grand return, when he suddenly came…

SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

Nooz Staff2 years ago1 year ago03 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—On May 1st, with Slope Day on the horizon, Cornell Dining launched their food ticket pre-sale at select locations across campus. Many students lined up at Okenshields to swipe in for their usual dinners, but one student, Jonah Kesky ‘26, was on a different mission. “I remember he was the first person in…

Friend Studying Abroad Absolutely Must Go To Barbados to Study Russian Literature

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

KLARMAN HALL—On Thursday evening, Callie Meyers ‘25 and Bryan Shim ‘25 were chatting over a warm cup of borscht at Temple of Zeus when Meyers unknowingly broached an incredibly sore subject: Shim’s study abroad plans. The simple question of “So, where are you studying abroad?” was reportedly enough to send Shim spiraling into a red-faced,…

OP-ED: If You Were Really My Friend, You Wouldn’t Make Me Go to Your A Cappella Concert

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

Approximately twice a year, many Cornellians must rethink some of their life decisions. This often occurs at the end of the semester, and is often centered around their friendships with people in a cappella groups. But recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that if these people were REALLY my friends, they would not ask me…

Golly! High School Acquaintance Can’t Believe You’re Gonna Be Working at the Same Little Caesar’s Even Though You Went to That Fancy College in New York

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

BECKLEY, WV—Remarking, “Isn’t that just something,” hometown resident and former classmate Ethel Dinah expressed her disbelief that despite your educational pedigree, you are both employed by the same Little Caesar’s off Main. “You were so proud of getting into that high class school in New York–what did you say it was called again, Columbia? Well,…

HIPAA Hip Hooray? Therapist Gives You Coy Little Wink While Standing In CTB Line

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN BAGELS—The many patrons of Collegetown Bagels were made unknowing witnesses to a masterful display of proper patient privacy procedure by Cornell Health therapist Dr. Lynn Dravis this Thursday. While standing in the restaurant’s famous and extensive line, Dr. Dravis discretely and purposefully winked towards her patient, Ken Pollmer ‘24, communicating an entire doctrine’s worth…

Friend Hired as So-Called “Consultant” Yet Will Not Tell Me How to Make Girls Like Me

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago05 mins

One of my favorite elements of life at Cornell is the diversity of subjects one can pursue. I’ve learned about so many career options that I never even knew existed before enrolling–and the kinds of suckers who go into them. Even the most seemingly humdrum and soul-sucking professions—those jobs that I could never morally compromise…

OP-ED: Why It’s Okay I’m Working for a Company that Played a Non-Zero Role in the 2008 Financial Crisis

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago04 mins

Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

KLARMAN HALL — Many have said we are witnessing the fall of Classics, that there is no reason to continue learning about Greek, Latin, or any other aspect of classical antiquity. However, it is clear that professors are still enforcing the most burdensome part of the ancient studies: deciphering Roman numerals. Sitting in my so-called…

Stampeding OurBus Herd Crushes Unsuspecting Subaru

Aww! Discussion Section Classmate Says First Words

Cornell Republicans Blame Radical Left for Shutdown of Morrison Dole Whip Machine

National Guard Numbers Dwindle as Troops Assimilated into Greater Portland Polycule

Flipped Classroom Professor Not Sure What’s Going On, Asks If You Have Any Idea

Senior Still in Model UN Working Towards Killer Common App Resume

OP-ED: It’s Okay to Not Pay Outdoor Education Workers Because They’re So Good at Foraging for What They Need (by President Martha Pollack)

“Uppies?” Lightweight Wrestling Team Member Desires to Dunk a Basketball

SLOPE DAY SCANDAL: These “Food Tickets” Just Taste Like Paper

Friend Studying Abroad Absolutely Must Go To Barbados to Study Russian Literature

OP-ED: If You Were Really My Friend, You Wouldn’t Make Me Go to Your A Cappella Concert

Golly! High School Acquaintance Can’t Believe You’re Gonna Be Working at the Same Little Caesar’s Even Though You Went to That Fancy College in New York

HIPAA Hip Hooray? Therapist Gives You Coy Little Wink While Standing In CTB Line

Friend Hired as So-Called “Consultant” Yet Will Not Tell Me How to Make Girls Like Me

OP-ED: Why It’s Okay I’m Working for a Company that Played a Non-Zero Role in the 2008 Financial Crisis

Classics Major? Professor Expects You to be Able to Read Roman Numerals