DAY HALL—Following the discovery of swastikas drawn in snow on North Campus this week, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi has been desperately pleading for students to return to the snow penises of the past. “Please, for the love of God, go back to penises,” Lombardi wrote in an email to students,…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
BAKER LAB—Students in CHEM 2080 were witness to an almost superhuman feat of strength today when Shawn Rosen ‘23 stepped over a chair he did not want to sit in in order to reach the chair that he did want to sit in. Rosen, whose strength was already waning by the time he reached the…
DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.” Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the discharge and deportation of migrant…
GANNETT HEALTH SERVICES — Representatives from Gannett Health Services report a staggeringly low number of confirmed sexually transmitted disease cases on campus for this semester, attributing the drop to a clever sex pun PSA posted in the 4th floor Donlon hallway by RA Danielle Covington ’17. “If you don’t use protection, you’re a goner(rhea)!” exclaimed…
With all of the current hullabaloo surrounding student stress and its discussion in our campus community, I figured it was time for me, a happily stress-free student, to let all of you know I am currently doing great. While many students find it difficult to manage their social lives, academics, and mental wellbeing, It really…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven? Arson has versatility: it…
ITHACA SKATE PARK — Finally, at the end of her first semester at Cornell, President Elizabeth Garrett is settling in and making new friends with some burnouts from Ithaca High School. “These guys get me, you know?” said Garrett on the halfpipe of the Ithaca skate park, “I feel like I can finally reinvent my…
PRINCETON, NJ—Upon returning home from campus, sexual deviant Jack Bergen ‘22 was unsure whether to be aroused or worried after experiencing shortness of breath, one of the primary symptoms of COVID-19. “I would normally love the asphyxiation,” said Bergen. “But with this whole Coronavirus shebang I’m not sure if my difficulty breathing is concerning enough…
