NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts. Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing…
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…
DONLON HALL—Rebecca Tinsley ‘24 knew things weren’t going to work out the moment she moved into her second floor Donlan double and saw her roommate had already hung a Pulp Fiction poster that would continue to haunt Tinsley throughout the semester. “I walk in, and there she is, just smoking a cigarette, though my second…
Like many of my peers, I am calling on Cornell to adopt a Universal Pass system. This is the only feasible way to reduce the pressure to complete my schoolwork and allow me time to focus on the unique issues facing my family during this global crisis; mainly the fact that my just-turned-eighteen step-sis keeps…
OLIN HALL—With graduation just around the corner, ChemE Abe Duncan ‘17 eagerly anticipates starting his job as a process engineer at Kraft Singles Cheese Plant in Springfield, Missouri. “After four years of grueling advanced science courses, hours upon hours spent completing problem sets, and somehow surviving Thermo, I’m super excited to use my acquired skills…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL — Whether it comes to common choices in clothing, similar affectations, or extreme emotional reactions, bitches really do be like that, a pioneering new study has confirmed. Looking at behaviors such as daily horoscope checking, writing notes in five different colors, and making 5-11 Instagram story posts wishing their friend “Happy…
DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes. “We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add…
COLLEGETOWN—Brad Michelson ‘23 has recently taken steps to make his fellow Introductory Economics students aware of the fact that he and his girlfriend regularly engage in sex. As Michelson and his girlfriend, Anita Kripke ‘23, can no longer terrorize Temple of Zeus go-ers with their self-made softcore porn due to social distancing and face covering…
With Slope Day, Cornell’s end of Spring semester celebration and concert, coming on Thursday, it’s best to know what you’re getting into. CU Nooz is here to prepare you as best as possible for the day’s festivities. Tank tops are a Slope Day must, as they expose as much of your arms and shoulders as…
