What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet,…
I am a simple man, really. Every day, I wake up, put my pants on one leg at time, enjoy a cup of coffee, and commit all my other silly tasks just like the rest of these plebeians I call peers. What sets me apart, you may ask? Unlike those vulnerable fools, I actually qualify…
LIBE CAFÉ—As hordes of malicious fork thieves seek to empty the coffers of Libe Café, the awe-inspiring Lord Barista, guardian of the utensils, stands at the ready to defend what’s left of the library’s plasticware. “Sorry, we can only give you a fork if you buy a salad, or sushi, or something like that,” the…
MEWS HALL – After arriving on campus and bidding tear-filled goodbyes to her parents, incoming Cornell freshman Danielle Fischer ‘20 allegedly considered herself ready to take on major responsibilities, just a few months after needing to ask her high school Spanish teacher for permission to use the bathroom. “Now that I’m officially a college student,…
MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…
COLLEGETOWN — It was learned today that favorite local late-night dessert establishment Insomnia Cookies will be closing in the upcoming months, and will eventually be replaced by a new business called Paranoia Undercooked Meats. “We here at Paranoia Undercooked Meats understand that Insomnia Cookies has been a staple among hungry students looking for a late-night…
DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
ITHACA- Around 11:29 a.m. Monday, Mayor Svante Myrick stepped on a Lego brick and proceeded to scream “Fudge!” at the top of his lungs while cradling his foot. The incident occurred while the mayor was jumping from couch to couch in his office and waving a cardboard sword. The brick in question is thought to…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
DAY HALL—Weeks of strikes have culminated in a landmark agreement between Cornell University and the United Auto Workers Local 2300 that addresses dozens of the union’s demands, including higher wages, expanded benefits, and access to a popular carbonated soft drink. While this new contract will no doubt improve the lives of the University’s employees, Cornell’s…
