OLIN LIBRARY—In the midst of her treacherous slog through a mandatory 82-page reading, Elaine Sanders ’28 spotted a light at the end of the tunnel. “It was a chart- nay, a graph that took up nearly a whole page-and-a-half. It was awesome. I let my eyes glaze over for a minute as I gleefully scrolled…
WEST CAMPUS—In compliance with university coronavirus precautions, local hookup connoisseur and health hero Tyler Burtley ‘23 made sure to keep his latest sexual experience long enough to be COVID friendly, but not long enough to make her finish. “Look I’ve been extremely health-conscious ever since this pandemic hit: wearing a mask, social distancing, washing my…
CASCADILLA HALL—Amidst the fervent anticipation for the new semester, none were more excited this past move-in weekend than 62-year-old Brett Fauning. Sporting his famous “Cornell Dad” hat and sweater combo, Mr. Fauning was ecstatic to finally be spending some quality time with his son’s roommate. “All last semester he was asking ‘How’s my buddy, Henry?’,”…
Upon entering my 11:20 class, BIOMS 2210: Introduction to Infectious Disease, I was immediately met with a chilling sensation. Something was wrong. Though I had arrived only two minutes before the lecture was to begin, the typically crowded lecture hall remained largely empty. I scanned the seats for my friends but found none. Deep in…
CORNELL LAB OF ORNITHOLOGY—After being barred from entering her lab, student researcher Rose Schwartz ‘21 speculated that scientific journals would cut her some slack if she fudged the numbers a little bit in her study of bird genomics. “I understand that publications like Science and Nature have pretty high standards for their journals, but I…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Swim staff were left stunned Thursday after junior Steven Dodson completed five consecutive swim tests in a feat never before achieved nor attempted. Dubbing himself with the aquatic alias of Chlorine Steve, Dodson declared himself the victor of each test after being the first one to exit the pool due to his “superior…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
BAKER LAB- As Mrs. Winkler entered the auditorium full of eager CHEM 2070 students, she was met with concerned whispers from the crowd. The 300 murmuring students were silenced only when one of them dared to blurt out the question on everyone’s mind. “Where’s Mr. Zax today? and who are you?” exclaimed brave freshman Eric…
ARTS QUAD—Cornell’s Family Weekend is a treasured opportunity for families to reunite, take up all the tables at local restaurants, and visit that one waterfall. But for one family, the experience was not so idyllic. As Meredith Ellington ‘89 wandered across the arts quad, presumably to disrupt innocent students attempting to study in A.D. White…
