WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to 32 undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…
ITHACA—On Friday evening, Joshua Barkley ‘21 detailed Cornell’s desire to stifle free speech in a campus newspaper consumed by 20,000 readers, the seventeenth opinion piece of its kind published this year. “Barkley’s enlightening views on the silencing of conservative voices on Cornell’s campus is truly groundbreaking stuff,” said conservative commentator Aaron Northrup ‘02. “It is…
COLLEGETOWN—In a public broadcast delivered via megaphone from the roof of Ithaca Renting Company, representatives of the Lambrou, Avramis, and O’Connor apartments announced their stunning support for a Collegetown rent freeze, after coming to the realization that “We are all tenants on this beautiful planet called Earth.” “We have, all of us, been led astray…
HO PLAZA—As mental health problems continue on campus, Cornell Health will be introducing a thorough system of applications for CAPS appointments. Counselor Richard Kilhemmer released a statement declaring that “this year’s applicant pool will be especially qualified, but unfortunately I have a limited budget and need to select students through a rigorous application process. Also,…
MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Last week, Cornell’s College of Human Ecology (CHE) announced it had received a “transformational” donation for the school’s “Vision 2030” initiative. The donor, Adam Hitler ‘73, is a successful entrepreneur who graduated from the CHE. Despite his significant contribution, the college announced its name would not be changed to reflect the philanthropist’s…
WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began. “My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year. “Well Margaret just got a…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
