WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday. “Holy shit guys. I had…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
CASCADILLA HALL—Architecture major Barry Kletz ‘26 completed major renovations on his Cascadilla single after he converted his previously drab living space into a fabulous walk-in closet by simply leaving all his laundry on the floor for an entire week. “Having all the clothes right here in front of me has enabled outfits I would’ve never…
ITHACA—As seniors prepare to leave campus, they must come to terms with having to say farewell to their dear friends. Many freshmen, on the other hand, face a different problem: faking any semblance of sincerity in their goodbyes to senior acquaintances. Kyle Fernsby ‘23 is among the population of freshmen who aren’t friends with seniors,…
Over the past few months, a sickening display of inconvenience has been hurled at drivers on this campus. Already suffering at the hand of obscure and sadistic parking regulations, drivers were punished once more when the CUPD closed off the most popular street on campus for no apparent reason whatsoever. What? Do they expect us…
CORNELL HEALTH–Noah Barnum ‘23 was left shocked after chronically swagless therapists at CAPS misdiagnosed him with a major psychological disorder instead of a “baller lifestyle.” “Yeah, I’ve been having some motivation problems lately, but who hasn’t?” said Barnum, while curled around a pile of dirty laundry on crumb-covered sheets at 4 pm. “Sure, I haven’t…
ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to…
STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower…
ITHACA-Senior Eric Scaley found himself in hot water this morning after accidentally referring to his interviewer as ‘Mom’ during an interview for a prestigious position at Deloitte. The interview was going smoothly until recruiter Jen Ellison remarked that she was impressed by Scaley’s resume. Scaley eagerly replied “Thanks, Mom!” Reportedly, this was followed by 15…
THE COMMONS—After he saw 20-minutes lines for Apple Fest-goers to pay $2 for a single apple cider donut made by members of a local Amish community this past weekend, owner of local restaurant Waffle Frolic Johnny Clotter was observed putting on an Amish-style bonnet in hopes that the aesthetic would bring him more business. “The…
