Happy Holidays! Brutal Final Exam Cheekily References Santa’s Reindeer In Question 173b

MALOTT HALL—’Tis the season of Christmas and finals! To gift his physics students a smidgen of holiday cheer, Professor Jason McDougal snuck in a silly little reference to Santa Claus in the middle of his grueling 256-question final exam. “The kids deserve something fun, after crying their eyes out for half the test!” McDougal explained…

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Cornell Dining Halls Announce Muffins’ Secret Ingredient: Pure Hate

MORRISON HALL—After years of student probing and questioning over the recipe to Morrison Hall’s famous baked goods, Cornell Dining chefs have finally acknowledged the secret ingredient in every Cornell muffin: pure hatred. “Every muffin we produce is crafted with pure disdain in order to produce the taste of distilled loathing every Cornell student loves,” explained…

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Vice President Ryan Lombardi Has One Wish This Holiday Season: “Give Your Uncle Stew A Big Ol’ Sloppy Smack on The Lips For Me!”

The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning. Good morning,  What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this…

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Administration Takes Action By Announcing A Plan To Establish A Timetable for Forming a Committee to Investigate the Feasibility of Solutions to Relevant Issues

DAY HALL—In the face of near-constant criticism from faculty and student advocates that the university’s administration does not do enough, Cornell’s front office has decided to silence doubters with an undeniably swift and decisive form of action. “Today, we make history,” announced President Martha Pollack.  “For the first time in this University’s almost two centuries…

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New Study Seeks to Answer if Frat Guys Look Like That Because They’re in a Frat or If They’re in a Frat Because They Look Like That

MARTHA VAN RENSSELAER HALL—Cornell’s forefront researchers have vowed to confront a puzzle that has flummoxed scientists for generations: whether frat guys look like frat guys because they’re in a frat, or if frat guys are in a frat because they look like frat guys. “For decades, the world’s top human ecologists have looked at the…

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Suspicious! Pescatarian Friend a Little Too Close to Ice at Harvard Hockey Game

LYNAH RINK- During the annual practice of Cornell’s most oceanic tradition, Sonia Steiner’s ’25 increasingly strange behavior caught the attention of her friends.              “It started out normal, like, she insisted we get to Lynah an hour early so she could get as close to the ice as possible.” Reported Kirsten Gale ’25 “Sure, I thought,…

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