ALPHA SIGMA SIGMA—In response to hate crimes committed by members of fraternities last semester, progressive frat Alpha Sigma Sigma has taken steps to ensure that during their pledging process, the only ones being hazed are white boys. “We plan to deprive these pledges of their right to fair and equal education and while we’re at…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
PHILLIPS HALL—Tensions skyrocketed this Tuesday after a third member of the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps forcibly added themselves to the CS1110 Discussion 213 roster. Though a peaceful resolution seemed to be near, the arrival of Cadet Benjamin Peterson ‘25 signals a drastic shift in the ongoing conflict. “There is absolutely no cause for concern at…
TENAFLY, NEW JERSEY—Visiting home for a seemingly uneventful Seder, Dan Waxman ‘25 found himself effectively slain in the minds of his entire extended family after his younger brother was accepted into the far more prestigious Yale University. “I feel like a ghost,” complained a saddened Waxman. “Last year I was ‘Mr. Ivy League,’ but now…
Both beloved and hated, the online prelim represents the crosssection of two axioms all Cornell students know to be true: prelims fucking suck and everyone is cheating. Unique from other schools’ tawdry tests or even… exams, prelims are the true inquisition into the twenty-year-old student’s (who is intelligent but not too smart or they’d have…
HO PLAZA—At 11:03am this morning, sophomore Chad Murray was seen skating down Ho Plaza like a total boss, just absolutely rippin’ it. Several sources also thought that Murray was “doing ollies like it was nothing,” and “laying down the law for all [you] young hopefuls out there” who also wanted to “kill the game,” but…
ITHACA COMMONS—After over a decade of publishing their daily newspaper online, The Cornell Daily Sun has officially decided to cut their anachronistic and outdated digital branch and stop publishing on their website. “We at the Sun have a commitment to staying contemporary and felt that deleting our website would be a good place to start…
DUFFIELD HALL—Information Science major Greg Daniels ‘24 was spotted Tuesday evening emerging from a cool, dark place bereft of direct sunlight. Unlucky bystanders scampered out of the splash zone as he made his way across Ho Plaza in a manner that can only be described as “spongy.” Roommate Mike Meyers ‘25 noted that Daniels had…
By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts. No cause for alarm, stranger! If you don’t start any trouble we…
WEST CAMPUS—Last Thursday, the cooks at Hans Bethe House tried their best and offered up a flavorless take on a dish with deep cultural roots. The dining hall staff was confident that, after about fifteen minutes of looking up empanada recipes, they could accurately deliver a cultural staple that has been perfected over generations all…
