Where is Warren Hall? What is Warren Hall? Why would I, a second semester senior in the prestigious College of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, an Ivy League university of the highest caliber (higher, even, than the frauds at Columbia), know where such a trivial, such an irrelevant, such a ridiculous building be…
ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld. “I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t…
High Rise 5– After just a few weeks at school, freshman Jay Cousins knows every single person in Cornell University’s Class of 2018 after stalking them all on Facebook. “I obviously started with the hot girls immediately after joining the Class of 2018 Facebook group, but then moved onto frequent posters and potential roommates. Before…
MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…
Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, the winner of the first annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Chemical Engineering! Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament, including the cheaters. We received over 11,000 votes total across all majors, not including the cheaters. The chemical engineers have won three…
Hey there, you bright-eyed, bushy-tailed little thing. Nice to see you’ve been getting all settled into your new life here, but have you considered what you’re gonna be doing outside of class? Well if you haven’t decided yet, you should try applying to our club that we’ll probably reject you from anyways! That’s right! It…
LIBE SLOPE—While trekking up Libe Slope last Tuesday, no-quit wolfpack alpha male Chad Roberts ’21 struggled to suppress his labored breathing in front of his friends. “Are…you…guys…having…as…much… fun…as…I…am?” wheezed Roberts, as his ego and testosterone level started to deteriorate. Mumbling something unintelligible, the real tough stand-up guy dropped to the ground and fiddled with his…
JAMESON — After listening to his RA list off several prominent groups on campus that will organize tables at ClubFest this Sunday, freshman Geoff Kaplan expressed amazement at the incredible number of clubs that will spam his email for the next four years of his life. “I would have expected only three or four clubs…
