COLLEGETOWN – Amidst growing concerns over COVID-19 and the unrest caused by the current Pandemic, Jessica Springer, ‘22, has reportedly been told to come home by her shrewish, insufferable bitch of a mother. In the past week, the Cornell community has seen classes indefinitely suspended, events of more than fifty people banned, and at the…
LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…
OLIN LIBRARY—Every day, hundreds of students hunker down in the Olin stacks, growing increasingly discouraged as their study sessions drag on. Etched into the Olin desks, however, are the few things that keep struggling students going: motivational messages meant to inspire. Such messages show students that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel,…
KLARMAN HALL—While his peers are preoccupied with looking for jobs, Simon Rice ‘26 is getting a head start on crafting the perfect Common App Resume. Although he’s now a senior in college, his role as president of the Model UN club is sure to wow any college admissions board. “If I keep working hard while…
DYSON—What do you do when a relationship gets stale? After years of romance, it’s hard to imagine just stepping out on all that emotion. And with my current beau, it was hard to imagine ever leaving him. We’d had too many good times together, and I knew what a sweet guy he was. I just…
ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld. “I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t…
MILSTEIN HALL—Students across campus are in revolt after the Archies’ latest creation was revealed to be a complete fucking nottie compared to the babe from Shrek (2001). ‘Nobody can compete with the dragon from Shrek. Nobody,” said self-described “normal guy” Kevin Lancaster ‘25, completely unprompted. “I mean, those scales can’t stop me from squeezing her…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
ITHACA, NY — Following the announcement that Cornell University classes will be canceled as of noon today because of a major snowstorm, reports indicate that attending college in a frozen hellscape such as Ithaca, New York, is finally paying off for students. “When I first started school at this frigid purgatory of a town I…
