The effects of COVID-19 changed life as we knew it: thousands of small business owners shut their doors, masks became ubiquitous in the common fight for public safety, and millions of Americans endured quarantines that lasted months. But as a Cornelian, I must ask, what’s the point of all these rules about maintaining six feet…
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING—As a research university, Cornell provides the unique opportunity for undergraduate students to get involved in laboratories on campus. Not all students, however, are cut out for research. It can be a harsh environment, which is why so many are grateful to have “made it out,” after graduating. Elizabeth Clark ‘29 is a Biological…
MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…
ROCKEFELLER HALL — Students and faculty alike were shocked to discover that Randall J. Thompson, Professor of Applied and Engineering Physics, is in fact two twelve-year-old boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a top hat and trench-coat. Thompson had served on faculty in the College of Engineering since 2012, but after he was revealed…
Saying this at a Dyson School-sponsored career fair isn’t how I wanted this to go down, but I have to just say it: I’m rejecting your post-graduation offer in order to be an entry-level associate at JP Morgan. It’s important for you to know that it’s not you or your organizational structure, it’s my carefully…
URIS HALL—With nesting season in full swing, many birds have resolved to make Cornell their home for the next few months. The campus’s abundance of trees, open space, and unsuspecting Hotelies to shit on make it “the perfect environment to lay some twigs, lay some pipe, and lay some eggs,” said Kevin Wormenjoyer, a local…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last without any notable criticisms. It…
GOLDWIN-SMITH HALL – Veronica Lopez, ‘15 Comparative Literature, reports feeling ostracized by the rest of the Comparative Literature majors ever since she secured a job for after graduation. Lopez says, “After I accepted the offer, everyone treats me a little differently. Every time I talk in class, people try to qualify it with ‘Oh, that…
OLIN LIBRARY – Yesterday Mann Library, usually found on the Agricultural Quad, was seen stealing a laptop from Olin Library, further solidifying the ongoing rivalry between two of the largest libraries on campus. “We received a report at approximately 5:35 p.m. on Tuesday of the entirety of Mann Library fleeing Olin Library with a laptop…
