When you stepped onto campus for the very first time, probably the summer before your senior year of high school, and were lead bright-eyed throughout Cornell’s bucolic paths and hallowed halls on a prospective student tour, what cute little trivialities did your tour guide tell you? Was it good old Happy Dave, cheerfully smiling and…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
DUFFIELD HALL — Addressing a wholly unbelievable occurrence surely more than sheer coincidence, a study from the Cornell Department of Sociology has found that a guy from your hometown knows that guy you also know. “Studies across campus indicate that this guy has known that guy you’ve known since summer camp in 2010,” said Dr….
HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…
BECKER DINING HALL — In a new move to encourage the naughty children not to eat in a most rapacious manner, Cornell Dining will begin the new “All We Allow You to Eat” meal plan this semester. Under the restrictive dining option, only one bowl of gruel shall be appropriated to each boy and girl,…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
By a senior. Wow. Four years. Four years ago, I was an innocent and oblivious freshman, not knowing what college was going to be like and getting lost on the first day of class. I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into. And yet look how far I’ve come; in a few…
GANNETT — After a steady increase in student Tetanus cases over the past year, Cornell University announced their plans to have all students receive a Tetanus vaccination before entering the infamously rusty Uris Hall. “Cornell aims to protect its students from the deadly diseases inherent on our campus,” said Deidre Moritz, a Gannett Health Services…
GANNETT — A serious hardship for Cornell students is the steep hike up Libe Slope from West Campus, which often results in fatigue, soreness and loss of legs. Cornell Student Health Services has announced plans to open facilities at the summit of Libe Slope for the express purpose of re-attaching limbs that may have fallen…
I want to make one thing very clear—I cannot stand freshmen for a literal second. They’re brand new here, but as soon as those colored light strips go up in Jameson, they just strut around acting like they deserve the world. Freshmen stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they have no idea what…
