CU Nooz – Page 50

Administration Reassures Faculty They’ve Prepared Since the Last Recession and Won’t Hesitate to Cut Salaries this Time

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Writing that the University “now understands exactly which costs are non-essential,” Martha Pollack sent an email to faculty on Monday stating that after being unprepared for the 2007 financial crash, this time Cornell knows to go straight to cutting salaries for professors, lecturers, and researchers. “I won’t lie, my predecessors were caught off guard…

“Close Enough” Match Pairs Hundreds of Proximity-Based Situationships

Nooz Staff2 months ago2 months ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Each February, thousands of Cornellians participate in the Perfect Match survey in an effort to find true love based on shared interests, similarities, and preferences. This year, students have the opportunity to receive a match that is, like, close enough. Close Enough Match is a student-led project team that utilizes machine learning to pair…

Svante Myrick Starting to Have Strange, New Feelings

Nooz Staff10 years ago02 mins

CITY HALL – This morning, during a brief conference with the local press, Ithaca officials revealed that Svante Myrick has started noticing changes in his body, voice, and temperament which, they stressed, are entirely natural and normal for someone his age. Myrick, one of the youngest mayors in US history, seemed concerned yet optimistic at…

Ambitious Junior Limits Self to One Existential Crisis Per Day

Nooz Staff10 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN COURT — Taking on a task that can only be described as sheer ambition, junior Psychology major Christine Kilbourne plans on limiting herself to no more than one existential crisis per day. “I spend a lot of time worrying about my future, and I realized that my panic attacks waste a good portion of…

Band Member Joins A Cappella Group, Makes New, Different Noises

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago02 mins

LINCOLN HALL—Fall semester is a time of change for many students looking to abandon their old personalities like a shriveled, molted skin. For Mikey Linderman ‘27, this meant leaving behind his bonk-honking band family for a new hum-bumming a cappella family. “When I was a freshman, I was enticed by those seductive bing-bongs and wump-wumps,…

Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…

Friend Bragging About Making It to Final Round Interview for Company That’s Almost Definitely a Pyramid Scheme

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

LIBE CAFE—While catching up with a freshman year acquaintance, future scammer Lisa Monollo ‘22 spilled all the details to friend Jen Pella ‘22 about her final round interview for a company that is almost certainly a pyramid scheme. “I was always so intimidated by the recruitment process for full-time jobs, but once I learned all…

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—The Kappa Chapter of Delta Iota Kappa Pre-Finance Fraternity has announced they have lowered acceptance into the fraternity for the fifth year in a row, taking zero applicants into their Fall 2018 pledge class. Fraternity President Harrison Kennedy III explained the decision in an email to rushes. “Unfortunately, none of you were able…

Alumni Dad Shows Son Old Sex and Drug Hangout Spot

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

FALL CREEK GORGE — Earlier this morning, alumni father Arthur Carrington ’79 took his son Alexander down by Fall Creek to show him where he and his old college friends used to do lots of drugs and have lots of sex. “There used to be a big tree here where we’d meet up,” explained Carrington…

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

CORNELL STORE — Sitting outside on Ho Plaza with a stack of books and a pen at the ready, Chemical Engineering professor David Ernst is offering students signed copies of his self-published book, “Fundamentals of Fluid Mechanics and Magnetohydrodynamics.” “I’m trying to generate a lot of buzz about this book,” said Dr. Ernst, “so I’ve…

University Hearing Board Accused of Reading, Interpreting Campus Code of Conduct

OP-ED: Not to Harsh Roxane Gay’s Vibe, But I’m Also Down to Be the Convocation Speaker

Architecture Students to See Sunlight for the First Time in 3 Years Amid Dragon Day Comeback

Student Ends Up in the Loser Breakout Room Again

How to Celebrate Charter Day

Cornell Announces Harriet Tubman to be Featured on the Big Red Buck

Administration Reassures Faculty They’ve Prepared Since the Last Recession and Won’t Hesitate to Cut Salaries this Time

“Close Enough” Match Pairs Hundreds of Proximity-Based Situationships

Svante Myrick Starting to Have Strange, New Feelings

Ambitious Junior Limits Self to One Existential Crisis Per Day

Band Member Joins A Cappella Group, Makes New, Different Noises

Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

Friend Bragging About Making It to Final Round Interview for Company That’s Almost Definitely a Pyramid Scheme

Pre-Professional Fraternity Lowers Acceptance Rate to Zero Percent

Alumni Dad Shows Son Old Sex and Drug Hangout Spot

Professor Selling Signed Copies of Own Fluid Mechanics Textbook