DONLON HALL—Despite having no roommates, Justin Palmer ’23 proudly displayed a sock on the doorknob of his hallway single after receiving female company late Wednesday evening. A sock on the doorknob, the widely-recognized warning signal to returning roommates of ongoing sexual activity, has traditionally been viewed as unnecessary when only one person occupies a room….
GANNETT — Today Gannett released the conclusions to a year-long, million dollar research project centered on reducing the amount of stress in students’ lives. “We recognize the stressful nature of students’ lives, and hope that these results will give students an idea of what a healthy lifestyle is,” reads the introduction to the 47-page report….
MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…
After much debate and careful consideration, a Cornell committee headed by President David Skorton has finally spoken on the much debated issue of Greek rankings. Their new system, dubbed Big Red Rankings, will be put into motion next month to replace all current evaluations of campus fraternities and sororities. By employing mathematical models and indexes including…
LIBE SLOPE—Now free to lie down in the grass watching the sunset after an hour of playing frisbee with friends, graduating senior Adam Schumacher ‘17 finally has time to enjoy his undergraduate years at Cornell. “I’d been completely bogged down with homework, clubs and tests since I was a freshman, but after finishing my last…
STEWART AVE—In a mysterious turn of events, Jacob Haddow ‘24 awoke this morning to discover a large hole in his apartment wall matching the precise proportions of his roommate. Further perplexing was his housemate’s insistence that the gaping abscess in their hallway had “always been there.” “I honestly can’t believe he doesn’t remember this,” said…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A new study has concluded that the only thing keeping most Cornell students going each day is getting a small bag of free popcorn from Willard Straight Hall. “Our research indicates that without the prospect of shuffling over to Willard Straight Hall to eat a fist-sized bag of popcorn, 54% of Cornell students…
PORTLAND, OR—Parents of Julius Saratoga ‘21 have been counting down the days until the upcoming Virtual Slope Day Concert. “When Jules mentioned the concert, I thought it was a fantastic opportunity for us to have some family bonding time!” said his mother Elena Saratoga. “He mentioned that some folks named Smiley, Rico Nico, a Booger…
ITHACA, NY – After the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity’s charter was revoked last June, the University has stated plans to make repairs to their old fraternity house at 625 University Ave. hoping to incorporate the property into the Alice Cook House community on West Campus. That is, unless ATO has got anything to say about…
