HO PLAZA — Senior Nathaniel Morrison will never have to pay the new Student Healthcare Fee, but nonetheless indicated today that he would be “down to riot.” Last Thursday night, President Skorton introduced a new $350 health care fee for students not on the Student Health Insurance Plan (SHIP) designed to improve access to Gannett…
NOOZ VIEWZ | The Editorial Board Endorses John McNair This weekend, hundreds of high-achieving high-schoolers, as well as low-achieving high-schoolers under a lot of parental pressure, descended on campus. They have aspirations of coming together to solve pressing global issues like hunger, poverty, and some of that icky tricky Middle-East stuff at the annual Model…
WEST CAMPUS—To the displeasure of his roommates, enthusiastic Redditor Alexander Nettle ‘22 returned to campus armed with months of reddit-conducted COVID research. When his roommate asked him what the highlight of his summer was, Nettle launched into a lengthy commentary on COVID-19. “This all happened because Americans don’t understand exponential growth. If I were President,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
COLLEGETOWN- Due to the success of their Wednesday night Fishbowls special, Collegetown bar Level B has announced the creation of a themed drink for every night of the week based around various household objects and containers. “If I’ve learned anything in my time at Level B, it’s that people love drinking, but they hate drinking…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…
Collegetown is one of the biggest perks of spending 4 years above Cayuga’s Waters, offering incredibly diverse culinary experiences. We sent a writer out to determine, once and for all, which eatery is the true champion of the hungry student. CTB: Absolute let down. I was so excited to try the place EVERYONE talks about,…
ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer. “I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his…
This article was sponsored by SpringFest and the Cornell Environmental Collaborative. Springfest is being held on April 22nd from 11:00am to 3:00pm on Ho Plaza to celebrate Earth day and promote sustainability. HO PLAZA — Eating an organically grown meal from local farmers and listening to live music outside Willard Straight, climate change denier Darrel…
