Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love
MARY DONLON HALL– Faced with the prospect of returning home for the holidays with nothing to show for himself except a D- in his FWS, the most downvoted post in Cornell Reddit history, and a prematurely receding hairline, Jason Wincherly ‘25 was spared four weeks of his parents’ disappointed silence when he was suddenly hit…
An Intimate Interview with President Skorton
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens? David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!? CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have…
Men’s Hockey Loses by Single Touchdown in 7-0 Defensive Struggle
LYNAH RINK- The men’s hockey team was defeated by Union College Saturday evening in a game that was tightly contested for all three periods. “Our boys fought hard out there,” said Coach Mike Schafer of the game in which his team allowed their opponent to score only once, a touchdown for seven points, on defense….
Student at Palantir Event Offended By Implication They Support Palantir
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
Cornell Daily Sun Renamed Cornell Daily Rain Sleet Hail Snow
DOWNTOWN ITHACA— Last weekend, we sat down with Hannah Davis ‘26, Editor-in-Chief of The Cornell Daily Rain Sleet Hail Snow. Yes, that’s right. The Cornell Daily Sun has been renamed to The Cornell Daily Rain Sleet Hail Snow. When asked what moment inspired her to advocate for the name change, Davis ‘26 responded, “My English…
“One Must Imagine Sisyphus Happy,” Says Frat Pledge Assigned to Clean up Infinite Sand After Tropical-Themed Party
EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…
“There’s a Day Hall?” Asks a Confused Martha Pollack Wandering Onto Campus for the Third Time This Year
DAY HALL—This month, students protesting Starbucks due to their union-busting practices occupied Day Hall until administrators agreed to meet their demands. While VP Ryan Lombardi gave in to the protest, President Pollack remained unmoved–not because she doesn’t care about students or because her wage remains unaffected by her actions, but because she was unaware that…
Physics Professor Just Two Twelve-Year-Olds in Long Trench Coat
ROCKEFELLER HALL — Students and faculty alike were shocked to discover that Randall J. Thompson, Professor of Applied and Engineering Physics, is in fact two twelve-year-old boys standing on each other’s shoulders wearing a top hat and trench-coat. Thompson had served on faculty in the College of Engineering since 2012, but after he was revealed…
James Franco to Give Convocation Speech After Spending 127 Hours Trapped in Gorge
FALL CREEK GORGE — The Cornell Convocation Committee announced that actor and filmmaker James Franco will speak at the 2016 graduation ceremony as a consolation after he had been trapped in a gorge for 127 hours and rescued earlier today. “We thought it was horrible that Mr. Franco’s arm had been caught under a rock…