Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…
JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence. “We…
ITHACA, NY – Jeff Henderson, a Food Science major in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, described to reporters Friday that his endeavor to taste all available flavors of the microwavable turnover brand Hot Pockets is a part of his departmental research under the mentorship of Professor Sheila Reynolds. “The goal of research is…
ITHACA, NY – Confusion and fear filled North Campus early this morning, when a fire started in Unit 1 of the all-girl’s dorm Balch Hall. Sources report that the cause of the fire, a mystery at first, is now being attributed to the ridiculous hotness of Balch babes. A creepy Ithaca fireman at the scene…
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…
ITHACA- Hillel’s RPCC Super Seder mostly went off Monday mostly without a hitch. However, reports are surfacing today that one of the afikomen, a piece of matzah set aside to be eaten after the meal, hidden at the seder still cannot be found. According to multiple sources, leader of seder table #3, Sarah Fried, disappeared for “quite some…
Out of the top 64 of the many majors at Cornell, the winner of the first annual Major Cornell Major Tournament is Chemical Engineering! Thank you to everyone who participated in this tournament, including the cheaters. We received over 11,000 votes total across all majors, not including the cheaters. The chemical engineers have won three…
DYSON—What do you do when a relationship gets stale? After years of romance, it’s hard to imagine just stepping out on all that emotion. And with my current beau, it was hard to imagine ever leaving him. We’d had too many good times together, and I knew what a sweet guy he was. I just…
GOLDWIN SMITH—After a vigorous year-long application process, Cornell’s prestigious Campus Procrastination Club (CPC) has selected their Executive Board for the Fall 2021 semester. “Look, it just got out of hand,” explained outgoing President Patrick Lenbrooke ‘22. “We initially planned for and announced a three-week application process that started in May of 2021. But then the…
ITHACA—Tompkins County officials announced earlier this week that a new TCAT policy has been implemented that allows Cornell students to give bus drivers a smooch on the lips as an option of payment. Rick on route 81 has already become a fan favorite of students, some even boarding the bus with no destination in mind…
