IVES HALL — Materializing in the third row of the lecture hall without the professor even noticing, ILR student and real-life ninja Brian Eriksson ’18 managed to sneak undetected into class twenty minutes late. “I didn’t even see him coming into the room, but he definitely wasn’t there for the first half of the lecture….
THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
CASCADILLA HALL—Architecture major Barry Kletz ‘26 completed major renovations on his Cascadilla single after he converted his previously drab living space into a fabulous walk-in closet by simply leaving all his laundry on the floor for an entire week. “Having all the clothes right here in front of me has enabled outfits I would’ve never…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to his extensive experience in organizing social events as a member of a fraternity, Winston Jepson ’19 has been trusted to plan an America-themed family mixer this July 4th. “People wearing red, white, and blue enter no questions asked, but if you’re lame then at least bring alcohol for the pregame,” Jepson’s memo…
WEST CAMPUS— In an effort to reduce uncertainty over who is and is not allowed in their secret spaces, Cornell’s secret societies have engaged in a mass mailing campaign to inform the children of normies that they were not chosen to join their groups. “We have noticed an uptick in the confidence of the unfortunate…
DAY HALL—Following the announcement of a federal lawsuit accusing Cornell of conspiring to withhold adequate financial aid, Cornell University has offered penance in the form of shelling out further to the university corporate sponsors. “We know this looks bad, but we are committed to making things right,” said Director of Financial Aid Jenn Mackrel ‘84….
UPSON HALL – Despite the Cornell Unmanned Air Systems project team (CUAir)’s emphasis on fully autonomous flight, onlookers at Saturday’s test flight indicate that a pilot clearly sneaked into the nosecone of the student-built plane shortly preceding takeoff. Pausing slightly to adjust his aviation goggles and fiddle with the large joystick inside the 5-foot-long plane…
HEALTH SERVICES – To help students stay healthy, health professionals at Gannett Health Services have released recommendations for avoiding the flu, encouraging those on campus to avoid sneezing into each other’s mouths as often as possible. “We recommend washing your hands regularly,” said Gannett physician Dr. Martin Trombly, “as well as getting plenty of sleep,…
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States. “We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent…
