DAY HALL — Following weeks of debate and consideration, Martha Pollack and the Board of Trustees unveiled their official list of the student-athletes with the tightest, hottest bodies on campus. “Our administration spent many hours on the bleachers of the Teagle pool, by the sidelines of Schoellkopf, and in the varsity weight room,” stated President…
ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered…
BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her to finish my problem set…
ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers. This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire…
ARTS QUAD—On Wednesday morning, September 26th, the statue of the university’s founder and namesake, Ezra Cornell, was found unconscious after a cardiac arrest. He was reported dead at 5:57am. Mikaela Kolb ‘19 was the first to discover Ezra Cornell’s statue. “I was walking through the Arts Quad when I noticed a figure in the distance….
BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…
LIBE SLOPE—While trekking up Libe Slope last Tuesday, no-quit wolfpack alpha male Chad Roberts ’21 struggled to suppress his labored breathing in front of his friends. “Are…you…guys…having…as…much… fun…as…I…am?” wheezed Roberts, as his ego and testosterone level started to deteriorate. Mumbling something unintelligible, the real tough stand-up guy dropped to the ground and fiddled with his…
ITHACA, NY – Ithaca’s new sidewalk-salting campaign has been a large scale attempt to combat the bland flavor of the city’s paths and walkways. Complaints started rolling in to the town council in early 2011 that Ithaca sidewalks were fairly tasteless, and that most residents felt some sort of seasoning was necessary to enhance the…
THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
