CU Nooz – Page 59

OP-ED: Getting Phoebe Bridgers To Perform A Virtual Concert Is The Closest Thing Cornell Has Done To Acknowledge Depression Amongst Students

Nooz Staff5 years ago05 mins

ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get…

Nasties Features French Menu to Boost Dining Ratings

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

LES NÉCESSITÉS DE L’OURS— Responding to a lower ranking on the latest college dining reviews, the culinary team behind the counter at Nasties decided to rewrite the menu entirely in French to boost their ratings. “It’s the same old Nasties we know and love, just organized a little differently with classics like our bâtonnets de…

OP-ED: Enough Time Has Passed. This Halloween, I’m Going as Slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago02 mins

For the past three years, I’ve been told to just hold out a little longer, to wait until next time, and to remain “tasteful.” But after two halloweekends of disappointing costumes (Sexy John M. Olin ‘22, Clara Dicks-in ‘23), the gloves—or should I say Justice robes—are finally coming off. In the words of the great…

BREAKING: All Three Cornellians Who Enthusiastically Voted For Biden Regret Decision

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has…

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

PI DELTA PI FRATERNITY—Continuing his annual forty-year-long tradition, John Cohen ‘78 returned to Cornell this past weekend to skip the Homecoming football game and drink until he passed out. Cohen began his participation in Saturday’s festivities by waking up at 7am to shotgun three beers, just as he had done every Homecoming since his freshman…

Politically Divided Family Exchanges Warm Fuzzies Over Last Slice of Pie

Nooz Staff9 years ago01 mins

GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Davidson’s ultra conservative grandfather as…

“It’s So Hard to Make New Friends” Complains Guy Who Follows Exact Same Routine Every Day

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one…

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics…

Jameson Resident Still Waiting for Good Reason to Punch Roommate in Teeth

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

JAMESON HALL — For almost a full month, Jared Lake, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences, has been waiting impatiently for any reason at all allowing him to punch his roommate in the teeth without being reprimanded. “One wrong move. He just needs to make one wrong move and I’ll have carte…

"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago03 mins

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

Festive Professor Puts Shamrock on Corner of Prelim

Three More Weeks of Prelim Season After Ryan Lombardi Sees Shadow

1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament Round VI

Fucking Moron Really Thought He Could Get a Spot on West

Cornell Administration Pleads for Understanding, Only Capable Of Empathizing “With One Minority Group At A Time”

Parents Upset Son Wasting Money Spent on Phone by Leaving It in Pocket During Lecture

OP-ED: Getting Phoebe Bridgers To Perform A Virtual Concert Is The Closest Thing Cornell Has Done To Acknowledge Depression Amongst Students

Nasties Features French Menu to Boost Dining Ratings

OP-ED: Enough Time Has Passed. This Halloween, I’m Going as Slutty Ruth Bader Ginsburg

BREAKING: All Three Cornellians Who Enthusiastically Voted For Biden Regret Decision

Alumnus Relives College Days by Skipping Homecoming Football Game to Aggressively Binge Drink

Politically Divided Family Exchanges Warm Fuzzies Over Last Slice of Pie

BDSM Fanatic Asks Human Bonding Professor Why They Haven’t Covered “the Kinky Stuff” in Class Yet

Jameson Resident Still Waiting for Good Reason to Punch Roommate in Teeth

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims