DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…
DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
HO PLAZA–This Earth Day, the Cornell Store is making a special pledge to the planet. For every item that goes unpurchased, they will match it with a generous donation to the Tompkins County Solid Waste Center. Eco-saviors are invited to open their hearts, but mostly their wallets, and find a semblance of purpose within store inventory:…
BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning. “Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Cornell’s very own government, the Student Assembly, has struggled to gain legitimacy with a student body that refuses to take the legislature seriously. As such, the group has taken steps to legitimize themselves as real politicians, such as falsifying tax documents, taking sudden hospital visits, and slurring their words during press conferences. “Cornell…
MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
LATHAM, MA – After several days at home for break, Cornell sophomore Tina Nelson has determined that her parents, who are paying for her entire college tuition, are utterly and totally unbearable. “Mom never shuts up about her yoga class, and Dad doesn’t know how to work any piece of technology and has to ask…
HO PLAZA–Tour guide Lupe Dimas ‘24 wowed a crowd of eager parents Friday morning by demonstrating how to gain the trust of easily frightened Cornell students before using them as their own personal measuring stick with which to compare their children. “A lot of these parents think they can just walk up to students like…
