COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…
ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered…
I’m only saying it because they’re taking over RPCC for a whole day, but I think it makes sense. Like, what a dumb thing to be so obsessed with—some TV show about superheroes or British people or whatever? And to like all that nerd stuff so much that they have to have a convention all…
MEWS HALL– After failing to hook up during his first weekend of college, Freshman Jonny Waters is convinced that he will never fulfill his dream of losing his virginity and will therefore remain celibate for the rest of his life. “I went to a ton of parties, met some girls, but wasn’t able to seal…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Enthusiastic Classics professor Jonathan Whistler spent the first four minutes of class prodding his students to analyze the reading before it slowly became apparent that not a single student in the class had even opened the 25-page PDF posted on Blackboard. “Please,” he said softly, though he by then knew there would…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, one of my foremost responsibilities is to ensure the well-being of our many employees. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides in improving working conditions and ensuring harmonious labor relations. From generously raising the pay of grad student workers to confirming a previous positive assessment of…
ITHACA- Claiming that they were all up for the challenge and mentally prepared to face anything in their way, all 700 high school valedictorians of the incoming freshman class asserted today that they were ready to resume their status as smartest student in the school. “I worked pretty hard in my public high school to…
As the 14th president of Cornell University, it is my responsibility to ensure the well-being of the more than 20,000 students who study, work, and live in Ithaca. To that effect, my administration has made tremendous strides towards improving the student experience; from somewhat reducing the amount of asbestos in a few buildings to making…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year. “Well Margaret just got a…
SCHURMAN HALL- Early investigative reports are hopeful that researchers at the vet school are working with some really cool snakes. “Our hopes are high that they might have some rattlesnakes or even a boa constrictor,” explained lead investigator Nick Dansby ’16, who conceded that although they wouldn’t be as cool, even a smaller garter snake…
