DONLON HALL—What started as a routine laundry day quickly turned into a spin cycle of chaos when Jacob Yates ‘28 found himself headfirst in the dorm’s new top-load washing machine. Yates was attempting to retrieve “the world’s most elusive sock” when he leaned in too far and fell squarely into the machine’s dark grasp. Yates…
As a proud Cornell student and responsible youth, I care about crime. Stealing is mean and I would certainly not do it. People break into people’s rooms and that is scary because if it could happen to them, it could happen to me, and I do not want that to happen to me. Perhaps hiding…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to his extensive experience in organizing social events as a member of a fraternity, Winston Jepson ’19 has been trusted to plan an America-themed family mixer this July 4th. “People wearing red, white, and blue enter no questions asked, but if you’re lame then at least bring alcohol for the pregame,” Jepson’s memo…
BARTON HALL – In excited anticipation for their Saturday night concert, reports indicate that the indie-electronic band Passion Pit has been pouring over their own music nonstop in an attempt to learn the lyrics to their songs. “Wow, we’re pretty hard to understand, aren’t we? There’s no way we’re going to be able to sing…
WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two. “It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% and finish strong.” The record…
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
Gannett Health Services issued an urgent reminder Wednesday that the Student Health Insurance does not cover broken dreams. “I thought Pre-Med would be a good idea,” complained AEM major Daphne Crawford ’15. “I told my parents not to worry that I only had a 2.3 GPA and that the student health plan would cover any…
DRYDEN ROAD—Fresh off the widely-anticipated opening of Mango Mango in Collegetown, restaurateur Bernard Shepards is hoping to capitalize on the fervor with his new dessert venture, Onion Onion. “We know we may not be students’ first choice dessert spot,” admitted Shepards as he prepared his personal-favorite Onion Mochi. “But if you have a bitter tooth,…
RISLEY HALL — Noting instances of public nudity and all-around clusterfucks, several students reported that there was some weird shit going down at Risley Hall. “I heard that Colin is putting on a production of who the fuck knows,” said Sabrina Petrone ‘19. “Maybe that’s why he was carrying a conjoined twin sex doll and…
NORTH CAMPUS — Eager to begin her tenure as Cornell’s 13th president, Elizabeth Garrett finally moved into her single in Balch Hall this past week. “It’s such a nice room” said Garrett as she tacked up photos of her family’s dog on her cork board. “I have my own sink and a great view of…
