ARTS QUAD—At a rare on-site press conference, President Michael Kotlikoff updated the Cornell community about the ongoing search for Ezra Cornell’s lost fortune, thought to be buried beneath the Arts Quad.
“As you may know, our crews have been working overtime to find this hidden treasure,” said Kotlikoff, standing on a mound of displaced earth and displaying a map to onlookers. “Unfortunately, we are unsure what the symbols on Ezra Cornell’s secret map actually refer to, with the exception of this big red X, which we believe marks the spot.”
According to a press release from the Presidential Task Force on Excavation, accompanying instructions like “proceed forty paces south-southwest from the root of the queen sapling” and “when the blood moon shows its face, illuminated shall be your place” have left researchers and crews puzzled.
The hunt seems to have captured the imaginations of many in the Cornell community. “This dig is so exciting,” said archeology student Henry Walton ‘28. “It’s incredible to be able to see real-life fieldwork every single day I walk to class. I am so glad those excavators drown out any distractions, my professors’ lectures, and my own thoughts. I learn way more this way anyway!”
After speculating on what the buried treasure may contain, Kotlikoff concluded the press conference by offering any musical artists in the audience a share of the bounty in exchange for a quick favor next week.
