COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough patch at the moment,” said…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in. Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath…
NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the…
In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the news that her best friend Margaret Floyd ’16 had just received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, fellow senior Ellen Barr ’16 was observed to be in a panicked state as she hurried to find more friends who were similarly still unemployed for the following year. “Well Margaret just got a…
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…
Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons. “We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in…
It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
