ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus. “I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library…
BEAR NECESSITIES — Finally taking off his headphones, freshman HEY IS THERE A SAM HERE? came to the Nasties counter last night to pick up his chicken tenders six hours after they were first ready. After about fifteen minutes of calling from the Nasties screamer, the other students in the grill began a series of…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Despite having known each other for a mere six days, Brian Furman ‘26 and Evan Adames ‘26—the shining stars of a fairly dim orientation group—have already entered into a relationship. “After giving the rest of the group a quick once-over, it was love at first sight,” said Adames. “Bri-Bri and I just…
THE CORNELL CLUB OF NEW YORK— Following the Student Assembly’s decision to storm the National Archives and scribble smiley faces all over the Bill of Rights, alumni have begun to lament the death of the Cornell they once knew. “Ah, how I miss the good old days!” exclaimed Charles Olin ‘58 as he paused his…
ITHACA TRAIL – After a long and arduous academic year, dozens of Cornellians have decided to pack up and head on West in search of prosperity and a new life for their kinfolk this summer. “I heard there’s better opportunities out yonder,” pondered Charlie O’Brien 17’, as he was adjusting the iron skein of his…
DICKSON HALL—A valiant shampoo bottle let out its final squirt today after a long, slippery battle against grime and grease. As the unsuspecting user applied the usual squeeze, the room filled with a weak, sputtering sound. What trickled out was not the rich, satisfying lather once cherished, but a thin, defeated dribble—a pathetic, watery remnant…
GATES HALL—Group projects are crucial educational tools for building skills of collaboration, critical thinking, and problem-solving for students across the classroom. But for Jamie Hanizo ‘25, this communalistic fantasy quickly became a nightmare. As he wandered into his 10:10 AM Information Science discussion at 10:09 AM, Hanizo was greeted with a horrifying sight: the student’s…
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in. It’s not…
COLLEGETOWN—Confident that it will give him the edge he needs after an underwhelming and fruitless job search, Dalton Pearce ’20, indicated he is eager to receive any and all job offers by adding “Seeking Opportunities in Business” to his LinkedIn headline. “‘Seeking: Job’ sounds too stiff and formal, and ‘Please, I’m Just Looking For A…
Our society is rife with division about most everything. Even the most seemingly minor cultural sparks can erupt into fiery vitriol. But there is one universally agreed upon truth: the annual shift into daylight savings time is a scourge unlike any other. Each year we collectively fiddle with our clocks like bored toddlers, in the…
