ITHACA, NY – Cornell University is pleased to confirm that Black History Month is actually going pretty well this year. “Honestly, everything considered, BHM’s been pretty solid this year,” said a junior Cornellian. “In general, the entirety of Black History Month seems to have gone according to plan, which I would consider a success. We’re…
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
DAY HALL—To foster loving relationships with those on campus before the semester begins, President Martha Pollack has decided to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to students at Orientation. “Reading books with wholesome themes to our young ones encourages academic excellence and teaches mutual respect,” explained Pollack with a nurturing and patient smile. “Someday, they will…
NORTH CAMPUS – A Cornell social fraternity proved their commitment to campus safety by becoming the first and only fraternity to pass their fire and safety inspections this year. The brothers claim to have worked very hard to fix up their house, which normally injures dozens each week. “I’m not shocked we passed,” said brother…
ITHACA—Although anti-lockdown protests have erupted nationwide calling for the reopening of restaurants and other services, Ithaca’s bar scene is clearly not good enough to warrant such protests. “Ever since the party scene died last semester, I’ve frequented all five bars Ithaca has to offer and honestly, not a single one of them is worth saving,”…
ITHACA, NY-The 11:00am rush at the Trillium food court is a scene well known to the student body, rife with eager students clamoring to fit a meal into their busy schedules. But this Tuesday, simple impatience unraveled into environmental catastrophe, when Duncan McMahon ’15 maliciously and intentionally threw his compostable spoon into the recycling bin with the rest…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
In a report released by Student and Campus Life, researchers highlighted that “Assaulting Minorities” continues to be a popular weekend activity. Researcher Grant Haverford announced, “From the results of our extensive study analyzing the pastimes of students, one can clearly see that this activity is showing no signs of slowing down at its current pace.”…
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re…
If ever I were to tell a student that I wished they had a larger chest, plumper butt, or more attractive proportions, I would immediately be met outside Barton Hall by an angry mob with pitchforks. So why, I ask, do you think it’s okay to wish that my curves were bigger, wider, or more…
