HO PLAZA — Quartercard distributor for Cornell Pep Band Liza Chan ’17 is quietly lurking outside the doors to Willard Straight, eagerly awaiting the spoils of the next innocent passerby. “Here come the little lambs, ripe for the taking” whispered Chan, slowly licking her thin, cold lips at the sight of the freshmen exiting Okenshields…
TOWER ROAD—Now available for sluggishly pedalling uphill with six cars following behind, Cornell Big Red Bikes offers students a new opportunity to screw up traffic. “Cornell is huge, so it’s a relief to finally be able to bike across campus with no regard for drivers or pedestrians,” said campus bicyclist Troy Laputa as he weaved…
HO PLAZA—A festive display of Christmas lights has lit up the streetlamps of Ho Plaza, with the goal of bringing cheer and holiday spirit to campus. Word spread quickly within the local insect community, and all airborne bugs within a one-mile radius migrated to central campus to bask and buzz in luminous ecstasy. “These lights…
DAY HALL—Cornell Health and the university registrar have released a joint statement declaring that due to gross violations of the policy requiring mandatory weekly tests for the 2019 novel coronavirus dubbed SARS-CoV-2, your enrollment at Cornell has been terminated, effective immediately. “The battle against Covid-19 requires buy-in from the whole community, so it is disappointing…
ITHACA, NY – After a close vote of 5-4, the Cornell Athletic Department adopted a resolution changing the University’s official mascot to “Wrigley’s Big Red,” a popular cinnamon-flavored chewing gum. “We thought it would make sense, you know,” said Cornell Athletic Department chairwoman Betty Stevenson, “I mean, why should the University have, like, a bear…
WEST CAMPUS — In an unprecedented sweep, Abigail Sanchez ‘20 remembered four entire nights of wet week, smashing the previous school record of two. “It’s all about the technique and staying hydrated,” said Sanchez, still visibly hungover. “You have to pace yourself until the end, and then give it 100% and finish strong.” The record…
Over the weekend university officials in the Undergraduate Admissions Office and the Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives revealed their new method of admitting students to create a class that is “100% diverse”. The new admissions scheme, starting with the Class of 2018, aims to make the incoming student body exactly mirror the racial, geographic, and economic…
OLIN HALL—Citing several student accounts of an odd, viscous substance slowly flowing towards Ho Plaza and Campus Road, the Cornell University Police Department has announced that there is clearly something strange oozing out of Olin Hall. “We’ve received numerous reports indicating that a bright green fluid has been spilling out of the cracks and doorways…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
