COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
URIS HALL–Opening her pencil case to reveal a panoply of colors, sophomore Rachel Lee explained to classmates Tuesday how her new 24 pack of 0.5mm diameter Japanese gel pens had greatly improved her studying efficiency. “I’m pre-med, so I’ve pretty much optimized my note-taking,” explained Lee, while pulling a copy of Campbell Biology out of…
DAY HALL- Many are speculating that the three high-level administrators (President David Skorton, Vice President for Student and Academic Services Susan Murphy, and Provost Kent Fuchs) that have announced that they are leaving the University this year probably know a deep, dark secret about the future of Cornell that the rest of us don’t. “This…
ITHACA, NY – The Cornell Concert Commission (CCC) is proud to report that no one has really noticed or commented on the fact that there has not been a concert scheduled the entire spring semester. In a recent interview, CCC President Lance Gleen told CU Nooz that he was “quite grateful” that Cornellians hadn’t picked…
BARTON HALL—Following last week’s protests at Cornell’s annual campus-wide career fair, the administration has taken swift action to appease the student body: The invitation list at the rescheduled event has been amended to include only the friendly, wholesome defense contractors. Despite the disruption, students are still looking forward to the event. “I’m excited to talk…
THURSTON AVENUE—Cornell Panhellenic has announced the addition of a 14th chapter for students who are looking to join a sorority, but terminate their membership after a year. “I am very interested because I have always wanted to live in a fancy house, but ditch before I have to drown myself in paint and glitter to…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
COLLEGETOWN—In an unusual decision motivated by the “unprecedented circumstances” brought about by the ongoing pandemic, students collectively decided that drinking would be considered socially acceptable this Tuesday night. “We, by which I mean myself and the guys, are committed to doing everything possible to mitigate the impacts of COVID on our student body by fucking…
ITHACA, NY-A bipartisan compromise was reached in the House of Representatives for the national budget, leaving millions of Americans in shock and disbelief. However, the Cornell Democrats and Republicans are also reaching across party lines to dispel any rumors of agreement in the House. “I can tell you this, they did not agree on anything,”…
COLLEGETOWN– According to sources, senior Colin Atkins urinated himself after a night of excessive drinking late Saturday night, and would be considered a fully-grown adult with the corresponding responsibilities in many cultures. The inebriated student reportedly “shotgunned like eight or ten beers with his bros” and, if he lived in many second or third world…
