ARTS QUAD—During Cornell’s second virtual tour of the day, Eliza Ramirez ‘22 answered parent questions with only a hint of gritted teeth and forced smile. “Is college different now that we’re online?” she cheerfully repeated back to the Ohioan father of three, giving no indication of the dark, claustrophobic interior in which she is now…
This week, the harsh and unforgiving winter has settled upon Cornell’s campus. Every morning, students venture out and endure these frigid winds with only the distant, waning memory of warmer days (last week) to comfort them. There is only one sanctuary for these brave souls: the primal familiarity of the warmth of a running sink….
This week’s scandal comes in the wake of previous allegations that brothers of Pi Kappa Phi were falsifying their genders to participate in the charity event. Last year, professional cyclist Lance Armstrong was accused of posing as a brother to cycle for the fraternity. Pi Kappa Phi could not be reached for comment; however, Lance…
Click here for larger bracket CU Nooz is proud to announce the 1st Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! We’re down to the final round, with two undergraduate majors battling it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Round 6 ends this Thursday,…
ITHACA—Shortly after telling students of his MAE 2020 course, “I’m just going to close my eyes for a bit,” Professor Robert Wiggins quickly passed away Friday morning, abruptly ending the 8 AM lecture. “It’s such a shame that it happened, and I’m sure dying on camera for hundreds to see is pretty tragic,” claimed Alicia…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — As the semester comes to an end and classes across the campus dive into their final group projects, the Greek Titan Atlas is becoming frequently frustrated with his classmates for not holding up their end of the assignment. “It feels like I’m holding the entire world on my shoulders,” Atlas complained…
NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky…
ITHACA, NY – Campus is abuzz today with the outrageous news of this year’s slope day artist. “This is simply preposterous!” stated flabbergasted Junior Emily Smalls, “Him? For Slope Day? Well I never!” The nonsensical decision has befuddled the majority of campus, who were simply confounded by the choice of performer. Upon hearing the news,…
ITHACA SKATE PARK — Finally, at the end of her first semester at Cornell, President Elizabeth Garrett is settling in and making new friends with some burnouts from Ithaca High School. “These guys get me, you know?” said Garrett on the halfpipe of the Ithaca skate park, “I feel like I can finally reinvent my…
Chaos erupted in McGraw hall on Monday morning following an offhand comment made by Professor James Prew, in which he mentioned that he recently endured a difficult split that left him fractured. Among Prew’s most enthusiastic students was author of a fan fiction entitled “Prew Me Harder Daddy,” Stacey Sinclair ’25. “I did the math…
