NEW YORK, NY—The Trump administration’s executive order stripping funds from PBS has had dire consequences for the stars of one of public television’s most popular programs.
The cast of Sesame Street was blindsided by the announcement, and many are now struggling to make ends meet. “Me not know what to do. When me was younger, me reduced to steal copper wire to buy cookie,” said Cookie Monster, referring to his well-known struggles with addiction. “With no more money, what will me do now?”
In addition to the layoffs, 123 Sesame Street has been foreclosed on, leaving fan favorites Bert and Ernie on the street. “At least I have my friend, Bert,” said Ernie. “I sure hope I don’t have to pawn my rubber ducky to put food on the table. That’d just be too bad!”
The series’ biggest star also spoke out. “Elmo is very upset at Mr. Trump’s executive order, because it will hurt Elmo’s friends,” Elmo said in a statement. “Elmo also thinks that this administration is a gang of fascist criminals, and Elmo pledges to not rest until our democracy is restored and its enemies are brought to justice. Elmo loves to learn about history, so Elmo knows what the American people are capable of when freedom is on the line. Brothers and sisters, remember that Elmo is with you every step of the way!”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt defended the executive order. “Remember who we’re talking about here,” she said at a press conference. “These muppets are Hollywood elites, who have been on TV for fifty years, making their living at the expense of hard-working Americans and pushing radical left messages to our children on the government’s dime. President Trump just put a stop to that. If some homeless bird gets kicked out of his nest, I’ll sleep just fine tonight knowing that we’ve stopped poisoning our children with this taxpayer-subsidized Chinese propaganda.”
At press time, “Border Czar” Tom Homan has announced an upcoming Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) raid of Sesame Street, citing the alleged presence of Snuffleupagan terrorists and ABC-123 gang members.
