TONI MORRISON HALL—Tired of losing sleep because some dipshit in your dorm forgot to take their popcorn out of the microwave? Worry not! The CU Nooz editorial team has assembled a list of wacky new arson alternatives for those pertinacious pyromaniacs—so next time you’re startled awake by a blaring siren in the middle of the night, you’ll smile to yourself with the knowledge that THIS fire was set in a fun way.
- Set Up That Blowtorch Trap from Home Alone in Your Suite Doorway
The first poor sap to walk in will have to jump headfirst into a snowbank to put himself out.
- Blow Smoke Rings at the Smoke Detector and Try Not to Hit It
10 points for a big ring, 5 for a small one!
- Make Up Your Missed Chem Lab in the Dorm Kitchen
If you don’t finish it by Tuesday, Cynthia Kinsland will have your head.
- Discover Your Powers
What… what the heck? Did those flames really just shoot out of my fingers? Crap! The serum really works! The Doc has gotta hear about this!
- Hang a Flag On Your Wall That Is Not Treated With an Approved Fire-Retardant Product
You monster. Think of the children.
- Use the Microwave to Make Yourself a Nice Warm Cup of Gasoline
Perfect pick-me-up when you’re running on an empty tank.
- Use a Smokepot to Calm Your Indoor Honeybees
Ignore your roommate, who’s being a whiny little baby about the whole dorm apiary thing just because of her “severe bee sting allergy”.
- Rub Some Sticks Together
Do it the old-fashioned way.
- Plug In Your Lithium Ion Battery-Powered E-Bike to Charge
Best performed in Risley Hall.
- Delve Too Greedily and Too Deep, and Awake a Terror of Shadow and Flame
After the fall of Khazad-dûm in the middle of the Third Age, Cornell Residential Life added supplementary Balrog alarms to the fire safety system.
- Use Smoke Signals to Send a Message to Your Friend on West Campus
They’ll insist on “meeting halfway” for dinner at Okenshield’s, even though it’s, like, a five minute walk from their dorm.
- Illicitly Plug In an Extension Cord, Then Drop a Lit Match on Your Bedspread
Which one set off the fire alarm? The world may never know.
- Build a Lava Hot Tub and Forget to Turn Off Fire Tick
Spend a few moments frantically trying to put it out before stopping and staring in mute horror as all your hard work goes up in flames.
- Enjoy the Classic Flavor of a Big Red Cigarette, Cornell’s Favorite Carcinogen
Proud (and only) sponsor of CU Nooz’s first ever print magazine. Pick up your copy on Monday or Tuesday in Willard Straight Hall!
- Just Start Burning Shit
Why not? It would be a shame to waste a perfectly good lighter.
