STATLER HALL — According to insider information, SA President Sarah Balik is diligently rehearsing her speech which the Board of Trustees will almost immediately ignore. Initial reports indicate that Balik had spent a minimum of seven hours meticulously poring over her speech so that it is as clear, concise, and moving as possible before spending…
Alright, I’ve heard a lot about your RA. How he cuts through all the bullshit, skips the ice breakers, and is just down to have a good time. But if he’s so cool, then does he have the power to bring back my deceased father? I mean sure, he tells you where all the cool…
WARREN HALL— For Slope Day 2023, the Slope Day Planning Board has rocked the student body with their selection of the world-renowned trio of Chase, Ryan, and Joe from Tennessee. Although the star-studded booking was the result of a nationwide talent search that captured the attention of the undergraduate population, not everyone is with the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Though there exist a multitude of excellent places across campus to have an emotional crisis, Sid Lathe ‘24 reached his own mental breaking point while descending down into Okenshields. Though the brief foreboding feelings of doom that accompany any trip down these particular stairs were not unfamiliar to Lathe, the accompanying sense of…
ITHACA, NY — Numerous students across campus reported being really psyched over the prospect of “exploring” New York City, literally one of the most visited places in the world, over fall break. “New York City is a soul-sucking dementor of a place. It always smells of garbage, the subway stations are covered in a thick…
BARTON HALL—Setting himself apart from other candidates at Career Fair, David Lansing ‘21 decided to include an outstanding expected GPA in his résumé. “I got the idea from my high school guidance counselor,” said the excited freshman while waiting in line to speak with Google representatives. “She basically told me that anyone who’s serious about…
ARTS QUAD—Cornell’s Family Weekend is a treasured opportunity for families to reunite, take up all the tables at local restaurants, and visit that one waterfall. But for one family, the experience was not so idyllic. As Meredith Ellington ‘89 wandered across the arts quad, presumably to disrupt innocent students attempting to study in A.D. White…
Critical reports from fraternity brother Steve Alders revealed that the girl across the room at Dunbar’s is “an 8 for Cornell, but a 6 in the real world.” Alders, a clear and objective arbiter of beauty, further explained that the relative attractiveness of a woman was in fact, a geographically based phenomenon. The 20 year-old…
TOWNHOUSE COMMUNITY – Transferring to Cornell after his freshman year, Bryce Bannister ‘18 has come to the conclusion that his former school was actually merely a large inflatable bouncy castle, not unlike those rented for children’s birthday parties. Bannister began to suspect that he was not in fact majoring in Religious Studies at an institution…
ITHACA, NY – At 11:53 AM, the Cornell Commencement Committee announced that this year’s convocation speaker will be the Grimm Reaper in order to remind seniors that the only remaining milestone in their lives is certain death. “We really want to drive home the fact that after college, current students will spend the rest of…
