DAY HALL—In a surprise announcement by the administration this Tuesday, Cornell will replace Duo Mobile with a permission form to take home to Mommy in its newest efforts in the war on cybercrime. “I think this new system is just lovely,” remarked Kaitlyn McCullough, mother of Xander McCullough ‘23, as she cut up a PB&J…
SAN JOSE, CALIFORNIA—In a bold attempt to strengthen its monopoly on the market for needlessly annoying authenticating platforms for college students, Duo Mobile is set to launch an exciting new feature that preys on the crippled attention spans of young adults everywhere. This move was prompted by the disappointing response to their previous update. Contrary…
With all of the current hullabaloo surrounding student stress and its discussion in our campus community, I figured it was time for me, a happily stress-free student, to let all of you know I am currently doing great. While many students find it difficult to manage their social lives, academics, and mental wellbeing, It really…
STATLER HALL—”If you love something, set it free,” so the proverb goes, and so went the freshly downloaded student-made app from Kaya Weismann ‘27’s homescreen into the abyss. According to Weismann, it all began when leaving Statler Library after a few hours of studying. “That was when I saw them. They were breathtaking. It was…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL一Showing up late to class for the 3rd time this week, so-called Government major Davos Spalding ‘25 seemed surprised to learn that all this talk about “Infrastructure Bill” was centered around a piece of legislation and not, as he had expected, a burly, brolic, big-biceped railway engineer who’d earned the nickname through his…
TOWNHOUSE COMMUNITY – Transferring to Cornell after his freshman year, Bryce Bannister ‘18 has come to the conclusion that his former school was actually merely a large inflatable bouncy castle, not unlike those rented for children’s birthday parties. Bannister began to suspect that he was not in fact majoring in Religious Studies at an institution…
COOL INSURING ARENA- At the most anticipated athletic event of the year, one furry friend failed to live up to expectation. Despite his status as ”Pick of the litter,” the forty pound Wide Retriever, Fido appeared to crumble under the pressure. His fluffy, adorable exterior quickly melted away when it became clear that his football…
ROCHESTER – Derrick Crowley, Class of 2019, is currently attempting to figure out the best way to tell his fellow freshman of that one night of underage drinking during his final year of high school. Crowley believes that his crazy and meticulously practiced story will gain him social credibility and immediately garner friends during O-Week….
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Enthusiastic Classics professor Jonathan Whistler spent the first four minutes of class prodding his students to analyze the reading before it slowly became apparent that not a single student in the class had even opened the 25-page PDF posted on Blackboard. “Please,” he said softly, though he by then knew there would…
