Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
COLLEGETOWN—While discussing spring break plans with friend and noted wealthy person Martin Elias ‘24, Maia Robertson ‘23 noted a striking semblance between the former’s lengthy list of tropical destinations and the set of Caribbean islands referenced in The Beach Boys’ 1988 #1 hit “Kokomo.” “He mentioned Aruba, and I thought, ‘okay, that’s pretty conventional for…
ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…
From the desk of the Registrar It’s almost that time of year again, isn’t it? Time for students to go on Spring Break and see all their friends from high school. Well, you see, I didn’t have friends in high school. I had nobody back home, and you know what? If I couldn’t see my…
The following letter from Vice President Ryan Lombardi was delivered to your address this morning. Good morning, What up?! It’s your pal Ryan. How have you been? Excited for the holidays? Boy, I know I am! Nothing gets me jollier like cold weather and jingle bells in the distance. There’s nothing I want more this…
HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
ITHACA—An international relations lecture took a brief and unexpected turn on Tuesday afternoon when Professor Johnathan Hendricks implied that he was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963, which was the same day that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. “It was weird, bro,” said Daniel Gardy, ‘23 before continuing, “we were talking about the CIA’s…
FUERTES OBSERVATORY – Emerging from hours of research using the large refracting telescope on North Campus, Cornell’s top astronomers report that tonight’s supermoon will be pretty big, and also probably really bright or whatever. “It’s no total eclipse or transit of Venus or anything really cool, but it’ll be a nice little thing for the…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left bewildered today when they received a Slack message from an unmarked sender. “Hey everyone! Super excited to meet everyone from clubfest at our first GBody on Tuesday, Dec 10th at 7pm!” Many were planning to leave the Slack; however, the message went on to tell the unsuspecting recipients…
