CU Nooz – Page 91

OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

Nooz Staff2 years ago2 years ago03 mins

RUTH BADER GINSBURG HALL—Freshies, the first week of college is tough—college-living is a huge transition! If you’re feeling worried about the multitude of first-year frights—homesickness, courseload, dining hall food—you should probably add yet another anxiety to that list: the fact that you don’t have any friends while every single person around you has already found…

Student too Busy with Finals to Treat Appendicitis

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago03 mins

ITHACA, N.Y. – In an effort to save time during finals week, Jesse Garber ‘15 will delay treating her appendicitis in order to review for finals. “I’m just so busy,” she told us. Garber, whose appendix has swollen to the size of a grapefruit and requires immediate medical attention, has a tough battle ahead of…

Collegetown Boba Cafe Opens Next to Collegetown Boba Cafe, Under Collegetown Boba Cafe

Nooz Staff1 month ago1 month ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…

Friend Insists 3 Inches of Snow is More Than Enough: ‘It’s All About the Girth’

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

NORTH CAMPUS–A Friendsgiving dinner turned sour when Jason Pecker ‘26 launched an unprompted rant about the snow engulfing campus. What initially seemed like mere apprehension for the worsening weather turned out to be far more confusing as the rant quickly took an awkward twist. “Who cares how deep the snow is? Everything that you could…

“Swimtest Is Back Baby!” Says Five Time Swimtest Winner Chlorine Steve

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago03 mins

HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Swim staff were left stunned Thursday after junior Steven Dodson completed five consecutive swim tests in a feat never before achieved nor attempted. Dubbing himself with the aquatic alias of Chlorine Steve, Dodson declared himself the victor of each test after being the first one to exit the pool due to his “superior…

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Cornell to Begin Construction on $100 Million New Gorge Connecting Fall Creek and Cascadilla

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

BAKER ARCH—This morning President Martha Pollack announced that the University will begin immediate construction on an ambitious $100 million gorge which will connect Fall Creek to Cascadilla. “While I understand that some students may want these millions of dollars to go to our underfunded mental health services or our critical lack of housing,” said President…

University Pre-Planning Fall 2020 Donlon Hall Outbreak Mitigation Efforts

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

ITHACA—Following weeks of preparing contingency plans for a potential on-campus Fall 2020 Semester, University administrators have developed a viral containment and public relations strategy to deal with the inevitable outbreak that will occur in Mary Donlon Hall. Seen as a breeding ground for highly transmissible diseases given the perpetually close-knit nature of its residients and…

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OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Nooz Staff6 years ago04 mins

Following Cornell’s decision not to compile median grades for the 2020 Spring Semester, critics have been emboldened in their vocal opposition to the practice, which is designed to curb grade inflation and compare students’ performance to that of their peers. Personally, I never understood why they put median grades on our transcripts in the first…

Students Get Juice at New Temple of Seuss!

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago02 mins

Goldwin Smith houses kids on humanities tracks, But often those kids are in need of some snacks! There’s not enough food in professors’ discourses, After all, college students eat fully grown horses. So then where do you go to get your daily fill? Is there a place with a kitchen? A crockpot? A grill? There’s…

Correct Answer to Consulting Firm Case Interview Starting to Seem Like Mass Genocide

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

BARNES HALL- Interviewing for a summer internship with elite consulting firm McKidney & Company, local AEM major Angela Brighten ’21 reportedly felt obliged to suggest the mass slaughter of civilians as the best solution to a case study. McKidney’s Charles DePrice began the interview by reading a case prompt to Brighten: “Our client is a…

OP-ED: How I Escaped Prelim Stress By Taking a Bruce Monger-Style Cross-Country Motorcycle Journey

“I Could’ve Done Better” Reports Friend Group Jokester After Comedy Show

Drunk 21-Year-Old Pees Himself, Would be Considered Adult in Most of World

Ryan Lombardi Begs Students to Go Back to Making Snow Penises Instead

Girl in Sexy Kitten Costume Rescued by Local Animal Shelter

Cornell Football Players Awarded Participation Trophies

OP-ED: Dear Freshmen, that Twenty-Person O-Week Friend Group is Much Cooler Than You and If You Don’t Have Best Friends Yet, Just Give Up Trying

Student too Busy with Finals to Treat Appendicitis

Collegetown Boba Cafe Opens Next to Collegetown Boba Cafe, Under Collegetown Boba Cafe

Friend Insists 3 Inches of Snow is More Than Enough: ‘It’s All About the Girth’

“Swimtest Is Back Baby!” Says Five Time Swimtest Winner Chlorine Steve

Cornell to Begin Construction on $100 Million New Gorge Connecting Fall Creek and Cascadilla

University Pre-Planning Fall 2020 Donlon Hall Outbreak Mitigation Efforts

OP-ED: Instead of Abolishing Median Grades Let’s Switch to Using Lower Quartile Grades But Not Tell Anyone

Students Get Juice at New Temple of Seuss!

Correct Answer to Consulting Firm Case Interview Starting to Seem Like Mass Genocide