CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
ITHACA, NY – Campus was abuzz today with Slope Day Programming Board’s announcement that the immensely popular 1960’s folk/rock duo Simon and Garfunkel would be headlining Slope Day 2014. “We got a lot of requests this year, and it was a tough call. More popular solo artists like James Taylor and Neil Young were in…
DAY HALL—In response to student strikes over Cornell’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, the Board of Trustees released a statement Friday morning affirming that the returns on such investments are necessary for Cornell to continue educating the final generation to exist before the global climate crisis results in a total extinction of the human…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Just 15 hours before the first lesson of the semester, one Arts and Sciences professor is giddy in anticipation of finding out the subject, content, and themes of the course he is about to start teaching. “It’s such an exciting time–students are coming back, finalizing their schedules, and some classes still don’t even…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year. “When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted…
CUNooz: It’s great to sit down with you, Supreme Leader Skorton. What do you think the administration can do to help decrease student loan burdens? David Skorton (DS): What? (puts on glasses) Who-who are you? How did you get into my house?!? CUNooz: Ha! That’s what we like to hear. So those new nets have…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD –– Ahead of the 2017 spring campaign, Varsity Lacrosse Head Coach Matt Kerwick announced in a press conference that this year’s team has an unprecedented number of players with the name “Griff.” “Griff, Griffith, Griffin, Griffyn, and Griffen are all integral members of the team,” said Coach Kerwick. “We would be at a…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework. “Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do…
ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…
