WHITE HALL–English Major Richard Jameson ‘24 has been thriving and successful in both his academics and social life, despite having what he and others describe as a “Bullshit Major.” Biology Major Sammi Reidy ‘24 has expressed dismay at her friend’s overall joy and excessive freetime. “His passion for what he does, and his lively, healthy…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—In an effort to show solidarity with his Black students during Black History Month, Anthropology Professor Bradley Haynes announced that he will refuse to switch from Blackboard to Canvas this semester. While many professors are not opting to switch platforms until Spring 2020, Professor Haynes said his choice will show students that he is…
GRACIE MANSION, NY—On Sunday, incumbent New York City mayor Eric Adams announced in a public video that he will be dropping out of the 2025 mayoral race. “To my dozens of supporters,” he said, “this is not the last you have seen of me. While I may not be your mayor for much longer, I…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
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NORTH CAMPUS—A regular Thursday evening in the Jameson 5th floor common room quickly devolved into shambles when weird student Jimmy Jenkins ’27 produced a Juul pod unlike any other, of the “Vent Behind Morrison” variety. “It started out normally enough,” stated fellow Jameson Resident Julie Earles ’25. “He shouted that he was fiending for nic,…
UNIVERSITY AVENUE —Beta Sigma DJ Peter Hans ‘23 has come under fire from the rest of the fraternity after a mishap at the most recent rush event at which he wasn’t paying attention and accidentally played Tchaikovsky’s Pas De Deux from the Nutcracker Suite. The fraternity’s upper management has condemned Hans’ actions, stating that Beta…
ITHACA — Thousands of Cornell students returned to campus this week to begin their Spring semester classes and to rekindle their undying impatience for a recess from school. After the month-long Winter break, students are feeling reinvigorated for the new semester’s soul-sucking agony between periods of academic inactivity. “It’s great to be back on campus!”…
ITHACA COMMONS — Completion of the Ithaca Commons development has been delayed until early 2015 in order to give Mayor Svante Myrick enough time to find the toy truck that he lost there last weekend. They mayor was reportedly playing on the construction site with the toy truck, while making pretend that it was a…
